Anil's Rubbish

Today was my last full day in the Bay Area as part of my two week stint.  I'll be heading back to Denver on Saturday.  In a way, I'm ready to get back to Denver, back to my house, back to the turtles.  It's hard to be in hotels for this long.

It's been a mixed blessing being here.  On one hand, there has been a lot of memories here.  I met Shruti here, fell in love with her here, had so much fun here doing various things.  So, those reminders have sometimes bummed me out.  Sometimes, it has pissed me off.  I can't believe that she gave up on us and now I'm forced to start over, for what I think was no sane reason. And right now, it feels like I'm being forced to leave Denver and move back to the Bay Area, a possibility. 

On the other hand, being able to hang out with my friends has been quite therapeutic.  I got to see most of the friends that I really wanted to spend time with and was able to talk to them about what I went through and what I'm going through now.  I spent time with Teji and Priya.  Last weekend, I stayed at their place.  On Saturday, we had a lazy day doing nothing but looking at a few houses, watching Wall-E, talking over drinks and chaat.  Last night, we made some tacos like we used to do in the old days, had a great conversation over a bordeaux, then headed out for a walk to Rivermark for some ice cream.  I really appreciate their friendship very much.

I really got a great group of friends here in the Bay Area.  While it is not my first choice, I think that it would be easy for me to come back here and start over.  So, who knows what will happen in the next few months. 

I found out recently that a friend's cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma.  She's 34 years old and has two children.  She's in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, but has been unable to find a donor.  I also found out that that part of the problem is that there aren't enough Indians who are registered donors.  Only one percent of the 10 million plus people on the donor registry are Indian.  ONE PERCENT!!!   And that's actually a problem because heritage does play a factor in matching. 

From the National Marrow Donor Program website:
Racial and ethnic heritage are very important factors. Because tissue types are inherited, patients are most likely to match someone of their own race or ethnicity. Today, there simply aren't enough registered donors of diverse racial and ethnic heritage. Adding more diverse donors increases the likelihood that all patients will find a life-saving match.

As someone who had lymphoma, this hits hard.  I could have easily been in the same situation.  And then what?

I'm sending out the word to encourage my friends and family to get on this list.  Please participate in any donor program that may be going on in your area.  If there isn't anything, please go to the National Marrow Donor Program website to see what you can do to help.  All it takes is a little bit of time to do so.  But that little time can help give more precious time to someone in need.

I've been hanging out in the Bay Area since last Saturday.  It had been a long time (since January) since I was here last.  My main motivation was to see my friends, most of whom I was only able to talk to on the phone during all of the cancer stuff. 

I'm also using this as an opportunity to regain some focus on work.  It's been tough to get motivated to work sometimes when sitting by myself in the house, and not having something to look forward to in the evening.  This is also a good week to learn about what opportunities I can take advantage of within Oracle.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some good ones that could involve a bit of travel. 

Since this is the place where I met Shruti, I find myself being reminded of a lot of the good things that we used to do here. Like wine tasting, eating sushi, hanging out with our friends, Bella Vista, Burlingame, etc.  It's hard not to be reminded of those things on a daily basis and not feel sad or bitter or confused.  What was so bad that it couldn't be figured out?  Wasn't there enough of the good in our lives to overcome it?  I guess not.

This trip so far has helped to get past all of this.  I've gotten to talk to my friends about all of the stuff that has been going on.  Some conversations have been deep enough to help me examine my own feelings on things.  Like the dating scene.  I realized that I'm ok with meeting people, but I am definitely not ready to put any of the effort into it.  I'd rather have things happen naturally as long as I'm honest with the people I meet.  I've also gotten a chance to better figure out what my shorter term goals are.

I'm so glad that I'm here because I've gotten to meet some of the people that I haven't seen in a long time.  I'm here for another week so I do plan on doing more of that.

So, yesterday was the first court date.  It was also the first time I saw Shruti since she had left me in March.  I was a bit nervous.  I had no idea what my feelings were going to be when I did see her.  Luckily, the hearing was a lot shorter than expected.  No testimonies, just some resolution that was a compromise for anything.  There's another hearing in August that will finish off the marriage and divide up all of the assets. 

At this point, I don't really know what to say about all of this.  It is very surreal. One minute, you think everything is going alright. Then the next minute, your heart is being broken by someone you'd hope would support you, especially the times you needed that person the most.  Believe me, it sucks.  I still love her.  I miss her terribly.  There are days I feel like picking up the phone and just saying hi, like I used to.  But, I have to deal with it as if it were as she had died or something like that. 

I guess what makes it hard is not knowing the reasons why.  Like I said, I thought things were fine.  Sure, we had our fights, but I never thought that the marriage was in trouble.  All of those things are normal.  It makes me sad to think of it because I felt like things were at a point where it all makes sense.  We had the house, we were trying to start a family.  It never felt like things were spiraling out of control.  I guess in the end, she decided that I wasn't the right person for her. 

And it was her decision, not mine.  I only had to respond the way I did because I had no choice in the matter.  I was put in a position where I had to take care of myself and wasn't able to rely on my spouse for any support whatsoever.  So, now, she's made it clear that I'm not her responsibility, so therefore she should no longer be mine, regardless of how I feel about her.  I won't let her take advantage of me.  What would you do?

So, I have to figure out what to do with myself.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm not really dating.  I don't think that it's time to dive into any serious relationships.  I won't deny myself the opportunity to meet people, but I won't get into any serious relationship until the time is right.  That's not fair to me or that other person.  I've heard of too many stories of rushing into something unhealthy.  I'm not going to be that person.

This past weekend was my cousin Rohit's wedding in Arizona. It was a blast, seeing the family, playing some golf, sitting poolside, drinking beer and scotch, and dancing some serious bhangra.  What more can you ask for?

Well, it was also a bit tough. I was the last person to get married.  It felt like yesterday that we were celebrating my own marriage.  I mean, it was only two and a half years ago.  So, I felt pretty sad at times just seeing two people taking the same step that Shruti and I did back then.  The only difference is that I know Rohit and Purvi will make it all work, whereas it couldn't work for us.  And now, with the divorce, I'm now branded as the divorced guy, the guy who couldn't make it work, the guy who could have screwed it up.  That's the elephant in the room. 

Fortunately, the subject never came up, even in one on one conversations.  And while I don't mind talking about the subject in other situations, this weekend, I didn't want to do that at all.  The whole weekend was about Rohit and Purvi.  And I was happy to see that everything went well and that they enjoyed their time in the resort.  I'm truly happy for them. 

Yes, I'm talking about that game that you haven't played since third grade.  I joined a kickball league for the summer.  It's a great way to get out there and meet some new people and drink lots of beer.  Essentially, this is a beer league.  Beer on the sidelines, in the outfield, drinking while running the bases.

Today was our second game.  For the "coin toss", we did a beer chug relay.  Three of us on each side, lining up, each starting to chug when the previous person was done.  We won this coin toss, but lost the game.  We lost something to three.  Can't even remember now.  The chugging didn't really help.  Haven't done that since college.

My friend Scott pointed me to the Play Coed site.  Apparently, there are different leagues for different sports.  It's a great way to do some fun stuff in Denver. 

So, today was my last radiation treatment.  As far as I know, I'm officially done with all treatments.  WooHoo...I cannot say that I'm officially cured.  I have an appointment with Dr. Feiner in a few weeks, and I'll have him make that call.  But no more scheduled treatments, chemo or radiation!!!

Radiation was, for the most part, uneventful.  For 17 treatments, I drove 25 minutes all the way to Rose Medical Center, took 5 minutes to prep for the treatment...all for 13 seconds of actual radiation on the front of my neck and 13 seconds for the back.  It took the full three weeks to finally feel the affects of the radiation.  My throat has been a little bit sore.  Underneath my chin on the right side, I can see a patch of skin where the hair is not growing.  It even got a little of my goatee so that looks a little uneven now.  I haven't decided if I'll shave the entire thing off.  I was told that it may take till the end of the summer to grow back.

I am pretty thankful for the nurses/technicians at Rose.  They made everything so easy there.  So, afterwards, they gave me a certificate and some hugs.  I also got my massage, which they provide for free for the patients.  It was really great. 

Time to celebrate!!!

I am back in Detroit for the holiday weekend.  I was really excited in the days before this trip, since it has been my first real travel opportunity since I was diagnosed with lymphoma.  I am looking forward to spending this time with my family.

My plane ride was delayed.  Damn Northwest.  So, I didn't get in until late.  Three damn hours.  It was pretty uneventful otherwise. 

I guess with that much time by yourself on a plane, you really tend to think.  I was really thinking about what it meant to be at home.  I've not lived at my parent's house since I was 18 years old.  Since then, I lived in Ann Arbor for six years, and then California for seven, and then Denver for the past year.  So, for the most part, anytime I came back to Detroit, it felt less and less than home.  My parents house has changed a lot since then so it's definitely not the same as before.  The neighborhood is different because all of the neighbors/friends that I used to have are no longer around. So, it doesn't always have that home feeling for me.

So, in the plane, we were passing over Lake Michigan.  At one point, right before the plane is over Michigan, you can see the whole lake and the Wisconsin/Illinois on one side and the western part of Michigan on the other, sun setting over the horizon.  I had seen this sight so many times before.  But it felt much different this time.  I really felt like I was going home again. 

Denver is where I live, and it's where I have a house.  But it doesn't feel like home, right now.  It was supposed to be the place that "we" settled and started a family.  But, in a single instant, that dream became a nightmare.  There wasn't even a chance to cultivate that dream.  And now, I'm alone in that house, feeling a bit far removed from everything I know.  Don't get me wrong, I love the house because it has everything that I was looking for in a house (except a huge kitchen).  I have good friends in the area, but I haven't met too many single people in the same boat as me.  Work is in California, so I'm isolated from my group. So, that's a bit hard now, and it feels like I'm actually removed from everything I know.

At this point, I don't know what I will do, because I don't know what I have to do, yet.  That remains to be seen.  Once I have my options, I will be deciding.  In the meantime, I'll travel all over the country and overseas to get me out of Denver.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am home again...at least for the weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday was the first of my actual radiation treatments.  Radiation is a bit uneventful.  It was pretty much like the simulation.  I laid down on the table.  This time, I asked them to tape my head down to make sure I don't move my head.  It's a bit hard to concentrate on being absolutely still, even for such a short period.  And it's pretty short.
Each radiation treatment is slightly different, and too tedious to go into detail.  It's just pretty quick and painless.  So far, I don't see any of the side effects that I've been promised.

Today, I had my first radiation appointment.  Actually, today was more of a simulation of what I would expect on a normal basis.  I was lying there underneath some gigantic machine.  The technicians spent five minutes aligning my head using the tattoo marks that they gave me during the CT scan.  Then I had to sit there a few minutes while they got some pictures.  It was hard to just keep my head still for just a few minutes.  Afterwards, I had a short follow-up with Dr. Chin.  Everything looks fine.  It appears that I'll be doing 17 treatments starting on Tuesday.