April 2008 Archives

Yesterday, I had my fourth chemo treatment. 

I met with Dr. Feiner and we basically started with a quick exam.  He said that everything was looking pretty good and we scheduled another PET/CT scan for next week.  We'll use this scan to determine if we really can stop chemo or I will need more treatments.  We also got the ball rolling on the radiation treatments, so we're now looking at starting those in two weeks.  I hope to have a better idea of what my radiation schedule is so I can book my tickets to Phoenix.  And once the PET scan is done and the results are in, I can start booking my tickets to other parts of the country too. 

As with my second one, my blood count was low again, but they gave me a booster shot.  Things were a bit different when I got home.  As soon as I stepped in the door, I really started shivering uncontrollably.  I was feeling really cold.  I had to step back outside in the sun to warm up.  But once I came back in, I was cold again.  So, I went downstairs put on some blankets and the heater.  Then all of a sudden, I was really hot.  I took a temperature and I was at 100.8.  An hour later, I was at 102.  This was the first time I had a fever after the chemo.  Of course, my parents were freaking out a little, so we called the doctor to get some info.  I also asked a friend of mine for other info.  Tylenol every four hours.  That did the trick, along with drinking alot of gatorade and water, and with putting on shorts and a t-shirt to make the fever break faster.  It was not a pleasant experience. 

I guess the fever took over the nausea, because I didn't get any of that.  However, the heart burn/acid reflux came last night.  Once that hit, I couldn't go back to sleep.  So, here I am a bit sleep deprived.

I'm so glad that this part of the process is potentially done.  I am confident that it is done, but I don't want to count the chickens before they hatch.  Dr. Feiner and I talked about getting the port removed soon, but I first think I should wait till the PET scan.  I may go ahead and get it taken out while my parents are around so I have someone to take care of me which I recuperate.  The only thing is that if I keep it, there's a maintenance issue where I have to get it flushed out every month.  And with the travelling I want to do, I'm not sure if it's worth it.  If I do go into remission, they can always put it back in.  And we're talking about a while from now anyways. 

Today is a new day.  Still don't feel 100%.  I'm going to be extra cautious this week so that my appointments go well.  Cross your fingers.

Well, it's been a little over a week since I updated my blog.  I had been a little lazy.  I did feel more of the blahs than before.  However, I've been able to get past that and today I feel like my energetic self.  

Sometimes I think that one thing affects how I feel about the other.  So, last week, after chemo, I was feeling pretty week.  That, in turn, made me think about the divorce.  And that just wreaked havoc on me emotionally.  Both things made me feel like doing nothing around the house.  And that in turn makes me feel even weaker.  It also works the other way.  When my energy level starts coming back, I don't think about her as much.  I become more interested in moving on.  And that gives me more energy and even more incentive to do things that will help me move on.

So, it's just a matter of getting the push in the right direction when things are looking rough.  My sister helped me a bit last week.  And talking on the phone with my friends and family, who support me 100%, have been really good. 

I guess it's still a bit weird.  I've already begun the process of moving on.  Each day that goes by, she feels more and more like a stranger to me.  Today, it just feels like she is someone I have to deal with on a business sense for the next few months.  One thing that I've realized is that I still have the same goals that I had before I met her.  I still want to be EVENTUALLY married to someone who I adore and adores me for me and EVENTUALLY have kids.  So, I'm still going to work towards those goals, even if it takes me a little bit longer than I would have wanted.  The only difference is that I'm going to use what I learned and apply that to the next person and to other parts of my life.  I will be a better person for it...200%.

Here I am again in the infusion room at the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center.  This week, things are a bit quiet here.  Not as many people, so this should all go faster than before.  I'm quite surprised on how well I've reacted to all of this.  My blood test came back and things are looking much better than last time.  I'm also hoping that nausea will also be at a minimum like last time.

Renu is here with me, since you-know-who didn't want to be.  Eric was here during the weekend, but he had to leave on Sunday because of work.  Good to have some support from my family.

I won't go into too much detail about today because it's pretty much the same as last time.  Just waiting to get through it now.

I came across a flyer at RMCC that advertised for some yoga classes at the Yoga Oasis in Littleton.  They have a program called Life Goes Om where they offer free yoga classes for those undergoing cancer treatment.  Pretty cool, eh?

So, I finally got off my butt and went to the restorative yoga class this morning. I'll have to admit that with my current energy level, this was a bit too low key for me.  Not as challenging as I would have liked.  If I was in a different state of mind today, as I could be after chemo, it may have been OK.  I have a hard time focusing on the inner self.  I end up just thinking about things and getting distracted.  But I did meet others who were going cancer treatment as well.

All in all, it's a pretty good program for those who are undergoing treatment.

My biggest fear is going through all of this and being the same person that I was.  I want to retain the things that I do like, and change what I don't.  But what if I cannot change those things?  Cancer changes people.  Divorce changes people.  How will it actually change me?

I've never been one to be one of those look-within-yourself types.  I've never read biographies from world leaders for inspiration.  I have a hard time meditating.  Yoga has never been my scene.  I'm a self-proclaimed atheist.  When I read other blogs or talk to other people, the first thing they suggest is to "look within yourself."  Reflect on yourself.  Blah Blah Blah.  I'm not saying that's rubbish, but I don't really know how to do all of that.  I am going to a yoga class for the first time in a while, but will I be able to actually meditate?  I picked up some Krishna Das and Donna DeLory music to see if that will inspire me, but it hasn't yet.   I have a journal to write more thoughts in, but I have only writting a few pages in the last week.  One day, I am totally inspired to go change the world.  The next day, I'd rather be lazy and watching TV.

I guess I'm pretty much getting impatient with things.  I just want things to be over.  I want the cancer to be over so I can travel and run away from this place.  I want the divorce thing to be settled one way or the other so I can move on with my life. 

I came across this quote recently, and I know it is quite applicable to what I've been going through recently. 

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
- Unknown

Because of the chemo, the hair was definitely coming out. I could see hair in the sink.  If I pulled at it, I would get a bunch of little hairs in my hand.  So, I figured I would get it over with. 
I had been planning to do this since chemo started, but in stages to make it easier. 

So, now there's nothing on my head.  It's really weird.  It's really cold.  Feels weird when my hand touches my head.  I guess I gotta get used to it. 

See pictures here.

This morning, my friend Lyndon and I went out to do a little bit of mountain biking.  I wasn't sure how I was going to feel.  My lungs haven't felt 100% since I started the chemo.  I have also been tired with the low blood counts and stuff.  So, I wasn't sure how I'd last.

But I can basically say that it was a good time.  It was hard on some of the steep hills.  And I got winded pretty quickly.  Luckily, Lyndon was patient.  We rested alot.  I also walked the bike up some of the steeper hills. 

My legs are pretty sore now and I'm really tired.  But I think the exercise is really good and I can't wait to go again.

This morning, my dad and I met with Dr. Chin at Rose Medical to discuss the radiation treatments after the chemo is done.  Radiation is recommended to make everything much more effective. 

So, at some point after the fourth chemo treatment, I will get some more scans to see what progress has been made so far.  This will determine if I need more chemo treatments.  Then about two weeks after the last chemo, we'll get some other scans to determine the pattern of radiation treatment, basically where the radiation will target.  The treatments will last for three weeks, Monday to Friday.  Weekends are off to recover.  Once we're done with that, we just go into monitoring mode to see how things are going.  I should be able to travel by this time.

There are few side effects with radiation.  The dosage is going to be pretty low, so for the most part, I shouldn't have to worry about too much.  It's possible that a tumor can grow in that area, because we're talking about possible genetic mutations, so that's something that needs to be monitored. 

I guess I tend to think of this as a short term thing, but more and more, I realize that I'll need to keep on top of things for a long time.