May 2008 Archives

I am back in Detroit for the holiday weekend.  I was really excited in the days before this trip, since it has been my first real travel opportunity since I was diagnosed with lymphoma.  I am looking forward to spending this time with my family.

My plane ride was delayed.  Damn Northwest.  So, I didn't get in until late.  Three damn hours.  It was pretty uneventful otherwise. 

I guess with that much time by yourself on a plane, you really tend to think.  I was really thinking about what it meant to be at home.  I've not lived at my parent's house since I was 18 years old.  Since then, I lived in Ann Arbor for six years, and then California for seven, and then Denver for the past year.  So, for the most part, anytime I came back to Detroit, it felt less and less than home.  My parents house has changed a lot since then so it's definitely not the same as before.  The neighborhood is different because all of the neighbors/friends that I used to have are no longer around. So, it doesn't always have that home feeling for me.

So, in the plane, we were passing over Lake Michigan.  At one point, right before the plane is over Michigan, you can see the whole lake and the Wisconsin/Illinois on one side and the western part of Michigan on the other, sun setting over the horizon.  I had seen this sight so many times before.  But it felt much different this time.  I really felt like I was going home again. 

Denver is where I live, and it's where I have a house.  But it doesn't feel like home, right now.  It was supposed to be the place that "we" settled and started a family.  But, in a single instant, that dream became a nightmare.  There wasn't even a chance to cultivate that dream.  And now, I'm alone in that house, feeling a bit far removed from everything I know.  Don't get me wrong, I love the house because it has everything that I was looking for in a house (except a huge kitchen).  I have good friends in the area, but I haven't met too many single people in the same boat as me.  Work is in California, so I'm isolated from my group. So, that's a bit hard now, and it feels like I'm actually removed from everything I know.

At this point, I don't know what I will do, because I don't know what I have to do, yet.  That remains to be seen.  Once I have my options, I will be deciding.  In the meantime, I'll travel all over the country and overseas to get me out of Denver.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am home again...at least for the weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday was the first of my actual radiation treatments.  Radiation is a bit uneventful.  It was pretty much like the simulation.  I laid down on the table.  This time, I asked them to tape my head down to make sure I don't move my head.  It's a bit hard to concentrate on being absolutely still, even for such a short period.  And it's pretty short.
Each radiation treatment is slightly different, and too tedious to go into detail.  It's just pretty quick and painless.  So far, I don't see any of the side effects that I've been promised.

Today, I had my first radiation appointment.  Actually, today was more of a simulation of what I would expect on a normal basis.  I was lying there underneath some gigantic machine.  The technicians spent five minutes aligning my head using the tattoo marks that they gave me during the CT scan.  Then I had to sit there a few minutes while they got some pictures.  It was hard to just keep my head still for just a few minutes.  Afterwards, I had a short follow-up with Dr. Chin.  Everything looks fine.  It appears that I'll be doing 17 treatments starting on Tuesday.

Now that I am done with chemo, I decided to get my port removed today.  Originally, I thought I was going to hold off on this until later in the summer.  But that would have subjected me to monthly appointments to flush out the port to prevent clotting.  Also, since my parents are still in town, I figured that it would be good to get this over with in case any issues came up. 

The procedure was done at Rose Hospital, but the same doc who put in my port.  I was actually expecting it to be more like the last procedure, where I was under sedation.  I got there, put on a gown, got some vitals taken, and then was walked over to the same room.  On the table, they shaved the area and then gave me local anesthesia instead of sedation.  That was the most painful part.  It's like going to the dentist.  Tiny needles and a bit of pain.  That kicked in pretty quick and the procedure started.  I was conscious the whole time and I was basically chatting it up with the radiologist.  It only took about 10 minutes to complete the removal and then stitch me up.  Done.  I even got to see my port and say a little goodbye. 

It was a simple procedure, and I'm just a little sore now.  One less thing to worry about now. 

Tonight, I attended a cooking class at the Cook Street cooking school in downtown Denver.  It was actually the first of four classes called Classical Techniques.  I've been wanting to take this class for a while, but, only now has the timing been right.  And being that I'm starting my life over, what better way than to go do something I like to do and hang out with people that have similar interests. 

While cooking isn't a passion, per se, it's something that I enjoy doing and want to be a better cook because I like to cook for people.  So, the idea for this class is to learn more techniques for cooking.  While this class focuses on French techniques, it gives a lot of information that can be used in different types of cuisine. 

I actually learned how to break an egg with one hand.  So, at least, I learned one thing.

It was really good to finally be out there knowing that this was my first step to the rest of my life.

I came across an article on CNN.com today about how blogging can be theraputic.  I truly believe that this is true, because I've been blogging much more extensively now as I battle cancer and go through a divorce.  A lot of times, I say that I'm blogging to keep people informed about what I'm going through.  But, at the same time, I find that I write about my experiences, I feel much better.  My therapist told me that I should keep a journal to write down what I am thinking.  I thought that this would be better served as a blog instead because I don't have the patience to writing in a journal sometimes, unless I was traveling.

One thing I do notice is that I am conscious of the fact that I'm putting myself out there for anyone to see, including family, family friends, friends, the ex-wife, etc.  And because of this, I have to hold back on some of the things that I want to say.  What you're reading is the cleaned up version.  If I did say exactly what I was thinking, I'd end up cursing a lot more and maybe saying some things that could be interpreted as too politically incorrect and too personal.  And this, unfortunately, would result in a lot more unsolicited comments from people who may want me to edit my blog in the first place.

I do encourage my friends and family to consider doing this.  Not only would we get to know each other better, but it may help in whatever they are going through.  My cousin Reena started her blog to describe what she's going through what she calls her "battle of the bulge".  And I'm sure that will help her get motivated even more to accomplish her goals. 

After all of this is done, I do plan on being a better blogger.  I got lazy in the past, but now, I'm a bit more used to it. 

Got the PET/CT scan results just five minutes ago.  Everything looks normal.  When I asked what that meant, I heard the sweetest words, "There is no cancer." 

I'm not sure if this means I'm officially cured, but, at least, I'm definitely on my way.  The next step is the mop-up.  First up, I'm getting my port removed on Friday.  On Monday, I begin my radiation treatments.  This will go on for fifteen treatments.  Then...I'm done. 

We're all pretty excited here.  My dad is dancing in the kitchen.  My mom is calling everyone she knows.  And best of all...NO MORE CHEMO!!!!!

This is definitely a relief for me.  I've been so anxious since the last chemo treatment.  First, I felt like crap.  Second, I knew that it could be my last one.  And now, with this info in mind, I can finally start planning the rest of my life, starting with a trip to Arizona for my cousin's wedding.

sweet... 

Today, I had to avoid eating or drinking (except water) for the whole morning just so I could get another PET/CT scan under my belt.  It wasn't much different than my last one. 

I should be getting the results of the scan in the next few days.  This will determine whether or not I need more chemo or if I can start the radiation portion of my treatment.  I'm crossing my fingers.

Chemo is accumulative.  This means that after each treatment, the side effects are a little bit more pronounced than after previous treatments.

I let my hair grow out a little only to find that my hair has thinned out so much that it doesn't look very good.  My dad said I definitely looked like a patient.  So, I have decided to stick with the bald look for a while.

My nail beds on my hands are discolored now.  Looks pretty scary. 

This past week has been the roughest for me so far. I've had some pretty annoying acid reflux.  I've had some serious constipation, which is not normal.  And all of this has made me pretty tired.  I haven't been able to concentrate on work as much I normally can.  Yesterday, I went rollerblading in Washington Park.  After about 10 minutes, I really felt winded.  Normally, I can do several laps without an issue.

I weighed myself today and realized that I weigh ten pounds less than what I did when I started all of this.  That's a bit freaky because I didn't exercise nearly enough and I've been eating a lot of crap food to know that this cannot be a healthy loss. 

It's been a bit weird to see all of these changes to my body just in the last two months.  I guess it was always expected, but still a little disappointing at times.  For example, I had held to some slim chance that my hair would be in some decent shape for my cousin's wedding in June.  I guess I don't look too bad with a bald head, and I look like a bad ass.  But that's not really the look I was going for, especially while I'm starting to navigate the dating scene again. 

Just thinking about all of this, I also realize that there are other side effects.  Cabin fever.  I do tend to feel a bit confined because I have to avoid large crowds and avoid traveling in planes.  These are mostly precautions and may not have any real merit, but I don't want to suffer any setbacks, especially being so close to being done. 

There have been plenty of positive side effects, too.  I believe that this has made me closer to my friends and family.  I am usually reserved.  I like to think of myself as more of a giver than a receiver, meaning I'd rather deal with other peoples issues than express my own.  This was even true in my marriage, which may have contributed to it's demise.  But now, I feel like I've been talking more to other people about all of this, even if I don't express everything.  I have this blog to keep people informed, and it's also become a bit of a release.

I've also found more motivation to do the things that I love to do.  I am picking up golf again, joining a softball team, going to the gym to get back in shape, travel.  I guess some of this is partly due to the divorce itself.  Being single has forced me to go back and find something to do with myself. 

I guess I don't know what the lingering side effects will be, physically and mentally.  I don't think I'll become some sort of yoga-loving, meditating hippie.  I still love sitting on the couch watching sports or movies or TV.  This is the hand I was dealt and I have to play.  I will have to learn from my mistakes in my marriage, and I will have to keep the strengths that I've found within myself that has gotten me through two life-altering events.  It's going to be a tough road.

Today, I met with Dr. Chin to start the planning for the radiation treatment.  This basically entails getting a CAT scan done so that the computers can be programmed.  So, the first thing that they did was put me on the scanner for about 10 minutes.  The lasers are aligned and markings are made so that they have a good reference point.  Afterwards, the technician tattooed some markings into my neck.  These are permanent markings that they will use to help align the radiation machines. 

Assuming no delays after the PET/CT scan, I should be set to start radiation on Monday, May 12th.  We're looking at about 15-18 treatments (I still need to confirm that), which means I should be done by the first week of June.  Woo hoo!!