July 2008 Archives

I took a last minute trip last week to Detroit for a few days because the divorce was completed.  I got to hang out with my parents, of course, and my cousin Rohit and his new wife Purvi at the Tigers game, and with my friend Marcus and his family.  I wanted the chance to clear my head on a few things, especially, my future plans.

So, what does that mean?  As part of the settlement, I stated that I was going to sell the house, so the house was put on the market this past Friday for $330k (MLS ID 683978).  I have mixed feelings about this.  I really love this house.  This is the house that I would buy if I was single and I had moved to Denver.  I had alot of plans for this house, and it has already been somewhat decorated to my specifications.  Shruti only spent three weeks in this house, so it's not like this house reminds me of her.  It's just empty because it's just me, so it feels a bit lonely at times.

So, while I was in Detroit, I kept trying to figure out what I want to do.  Do I want to leave Denver or not?  It's a hard choice for me now.  The basic problem is that I don't know where I want to end up.  I don't want to be in California.  I have a long list of complaints that I've accumulated since I moved there in 1999.  Chicago has always been a top choice, but it is flat, and I want to still be able to snowboard while my body can take it.

I guess I feel like there's a bit of unfinished business here.  Denver has alot to offer, and I haven't felt like I've taken advantage of it.  Partly because last year, I was too dependent on Shruti for companionship, earlier this year, I was sick, and now because I haven't committed to living here, I haven't tried hard.  But I've started being a part of a few clubs though Meetup.com, so there are still opportunities to do things and meet new people.  I moved here to also be able to be in the mountains. 

The first big con of being in Denver is the lack of diversity. It's a very white city.  The second con is that Shruti is still here, and I still would feel uncomfortable if I ran into her by accident.

I put myself back into the dating scene full time right after the divorce was settled.  I'm back online on all of those sites. I've suggested to family and friends that they set me up with someone.  I'm not looking to rush into something, but it would be good to get back in the game and possibly meet someone who definitely exceeds my wildest dreams.  It's a bit weird, but it has been six months since Shruti has been around.  Even though the divorce was settled fairly recently, we broke up in March. I can easily say that I'm over her now.

But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how she broke my heart into a million pieces.  I have not forgiven her for leaving me when I had CANCER. People have been asking me about my previous entry regarding the comment that this had to happen.  Well, I never wanted the divorce in the first place. At the time, I felt like everything could have been resolved.  But looking back at the thing that she did, yeah, divorce had to happen. I deserve much better than what she put me through.  And I'm definitely looking for someone who is much better than her. 

So, that now leaves me back to the original statement, do I want to leave Denver?  I still don't have a clear answer.  I hate to say "no" because a few ago, it was a definite "yes."  I guess I still have a bit of time to decide. 

My friends Bhanu and Ruchi embarked on a 6 month vacation fairly recently.  They plan on travelling to Europe for a little over a month and then spending the rest of the time in India.  I'm totally envious of them taking that much time to travel and not working.  Bhanu will be blogging the travels and setting up links to photos on his website http://www.billionshades.com. 

I started today thinking that by the end of the day, I would be bitching and drinking heavily.  Instead, I finally feel a little bit of closure.

So, today was mediation.  This was meant to come to some settlement on all of the major and minor issues related to the divorce.  Coming in, I thought this was going to be like the movie, Wedding Crashers, where both parties are in the same room yelling at each other.  Instead it was set up so that my and my lawyer were in one room, Shruti and her lawyer were in the other room, and the mediator just shuttled between the two.  Shuttle diplomacy.

In the morning, I had this mindset that I was going to get screwed and that I would have to give Shruti everything.  As I was going through the process, I kinda felt like I was getting slapped in the face because here she is asking for all this money and stuff after all that happened.  I knew I had to treat this as a cost-benefit analysis, but still there was that emotional side to all of this. 

Mediation lasted a good four and a half hours.  In the end, I think that both of us were tired of all of this fighting.  We wanted to just settle.  I just wanted to accept it.  I think that the settlement ended up being fine for all people involved. 

It will mean that I am selling the house and leaving Denver.  That was more my decision that she agreed to.  I don't feel like I am being forced to sell.  More on this in a bit.

At the end of this, we signed the papers.  Because we were able to settle this here, our permanent orders hearing is no longer required.  On Monday, we expect the decree for separation (which also means divorce) to be filed and then the court to rubber stamp it a few days later.  So, by the end of next week, we are no longer considered a married couple.

This whole thing has been one huge weird mess.  She did something that really hurt me and others around me.  In turn, I did stuff that hurt her and others around her.  I knew she read my blog (she confirmed it) and I've written alot of things to try to hurt her, with some success.  I regret that now.  I regret alot of the hurt that happened during the marriage, too.  I know that she does too.  I believe her. 

I guess sometimes it's hard to really know who was really behind all of this mess, Shruti or her lawyer.  Sure, there were some questionable things that had happened that I think that she was responsible for. But I'd like to believe now that Shruti is not the cold-hearted person that I've made her out to be.  There's a reason I married her in the first place.  But in the end, it's her actions that prove the kind of person she is.

I guess it's time to move on. I don't know if we'll ever be friends after this.  I haven't quite figured out if I've forgiven her 100%.

I know I've only been here in Denver for a year and a half and I've experienced some pretty negative things while here.  But I've grown fond of this place.  This place has a lot of the things that I'm looking for, but it's missing some of the things I need.  Even being in this house for only six months, I will miss it alot.  It was everything that I wanted in a house, but, unfortunately, it never became the home like it was supposed to be.  I know that I could have stayed and started a new life myself here.  It's a great place for a fresh start.  And before, I would say that I couldn't be here knowing that Shruti was here.  But that's no longer the case.  Just like the divorce, in the end it's just the right thing to do.  I just have to accept that.

I guess that's that.  On to better things.

I had a follow up with Dr. Chin today at Rose Medical.  This was the first follow up since my last radiation treatment at the beginning of June.  Not much to report other than everything looks pretty much ok.  I'm expected to do another follow up in the next four to six weeks.

I know that a lot of people that care about me read my blog.  I think that's great.  The whole point of this blog is to share what I've been going through with others so that they understand me better.  And sometimes, you find that this could help someone else that goes through the exact same things.

The whole point of this is to just put myself out there.  But my entries are not meant as a cry for help.  Pretty much everything I write on here I've discussed with my therapist or other people.  I think that the blog just lets me vent about whatever I want to.  It also helps get my thoughts in control.  But don't really assume that I'm not getting what I need because I'm writing on this blog.  (I'm not directing this to anyone in particular.)

For the last few days, I've been trying to organize all of my files so that pictures, etc. that pertain to Shruti and me are put somewhere where I don't have to see them.  I won't be deleting them quite yet, but they will be put somewhere not easily accessible.  I also did the same thing with the emails that I've saved over the years between Shruti and me.  I actually read some of these emails and some of the Google chat sessions. 

I've been saying how surprised about all of this. I am still surprised, but I'm more surprised at the timing of it all. Shruti deserves alot of blame on that.  She decided to be selfish.  She decided to kick me when I was already down and then tell me she still cared for me.  So, I still think that she turned out to be cold and uncaring and selfish. And she did hurt a lot of people that cared for her by the actions. 

After reading the past emails, I know I cannot put all of the blame on her.  I do deserve some of the blame. (I am only saying some of the blame.)  I know that I wasn't the best husband.  (Hell, she pointed out how I didn't do some of the things other husbands did.)  I know that sometimes I could have been a real ass.  I am a stubborn Punjabi male.  I know that I probably said somethings I shouldn't have, didn't follow through on things I should have, etc.  Basically, I didn't always recognize how she would react to me, so I should have kept my mouth shut or said things differently.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.   

I guess this is important to realize and be able to apply things I learned in the next relationship.  Again, it's funny.  I'm not sure if this would have happened.  But, sometimes, I think that if she didn't cross that one line, I would have been OK with the separation instead of the divorce.  And then maybe there would have been a chance to figure out if this is really what we both wanted.  It would have been less painful, maybe for the both of us.  Unfortunately, she did cross that line.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

So, today, I got some items from my lawyer in regards to Shruti and the divorce.  What started out as a decent day is now turning into another one of those moments of complete disbelief and sadness. It's weird how some simple little event can sour your mood so quickly.

I guess when this all started back in March, I was pretty angry. I mean, I was very angry at her for leaving me when I needed her the most.  I was angry that she seemed so cold.  She never gave me a good explanation on why she left.  Even when we talked to figure out what we wanted to do about it, she sounded cold and heartless.  How could the woman I loved, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, kick me when I was already down?  Where was everyone else during this whole mess?

It feels like there something missing in all of this.  Like I said, maybe a good explanation.  Maybe an apology.  Something.  I may never know the answer to these questions.  I sometimes imagine that there was some other thing that was influencing her decisions, to the point where it really wasn't her decision.  But I know that's not really true.  She's a big girl.  She has to know what she was doing.  And I guess that's what makes it so much more painful.

I know I said somethings after she left that I didn't mean.  I kept talking about the next wife, blah, blah, blah.  But that was said out of anger and trying to make myself feel strong.  It was the only thing I could think about at time, because I didn't know what to really do.  What could I have done?  Contrary to what she probably believed about me, I did not think of her as some object that I could easily discard.  I was in love with the person, not the idea.  It was the good times that I thought about, and not about the fights. I still look at some of the cards that she wrote to me, and I remember those good times.

I guess it's still really hard to conceive that things are over.  I am stubborn.  I don't like to quit when things are rough.  I sometimes ask myself whether or not I should keep the door open in case she should want to reconcile.  Maybe I should call her up and talk to her and convince her to come back.  I see examples of people doing that all the time. 

But my brain is telling me that there was a line crossed somewhere.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  And she should have known how to fix this if she did want to return. Of course, I don't know if that was the case because the last time I had actually talked to her, she sounded like she didn't even want to try.  And it has been almost five months worth of chances. 

I know what my friends and family are thinking.  Why am I writing all of this?  Well, I know for a fact that I don't hate Shruti.  There are enough people who do hate her for me.  I am not even angry at her.  I am extremely disappointed that she is not the person I thought she was.  But I still do not hate her.  Of course, part of me still loves her.  Thinking about how she could be miserable right now, doesn't make me any happier.  It even makes me sad thinking that she might be going through her own issues, and I'm not there to help her.  But that's not my job anymore.  Again...her decision...she's a big girl.

So, in the end, all I care about is that divorce is done in a fair manner.  I'm not going to rollover and just give everything away.  I just want to be fair and have this all end in a simple manner so I can just move on.  All I know is that I'm doing that I think is right, even if it is painful.

I just finished Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About the Bike.  I had been meaning to read it for a while because of the cancer.  It took me about two days to finish it because I ended up being totally engrossed in it.  My eyes teared up many times as I remembered all of the things that had happened to me in the last few months.  While Lance went through a much more aggressive form of life-threatening cancer, I could relate to some of the feelings that he went through.  It just goes to show that when it comes to crisis, you're not quite alone.

When I first heard that I could have something serious as cancer, I was totally freaked out.  In fact, I also thought that I was going to die. I didn't know what kind of cancer this was.  I didn't know what would happen.  Later on when I learned how chemo can affect the immune system, I was really scared that I could get sick and that I could die from cold some kid gave me.  When Shruti decided to depart, it was two days before my first chemo treatment. I was also pretty damn scared.  I didn't want to go through this alone.  I have no family in this area, and I don't have too many close friends either.  All I wanted was to be taken care of by the people who loved me.  Since I couldn't rely on my spouse for that, I relied on the people I knew I could rely on the most, my parents and my sister.  And that's probably the only reason why I was able to get past the cancer in the time I did.  And I am a cancer survivor now.  But I'm only in remission, meaning that it can still come back.  And that is pretty scary.

I went through a lot during those months, and I'm still going through a lot now.  People have told me how much they were impressed by how strong I am.  Believe me, I don't think I am that strong.  On the outside, it may look at that, but on the inside, it is pretty damn hard.  There is still a lot of anxiety, remorse, anger, sadness.  You name it.

But back the book, I'm one of the lucky ones, though.  If it weren't for the crises in my life, I would haven't be making this journey to rebuild my life and realizing the things that are the most important to me.  It's not about my job working a zillion hours a week.  It's not about obtaining material wealth (although I still like my gadgets).  It's about the people you love and who love you back.  It's about the people you can count on when the going gets tough.  It's about getting out your comfort zone and doing things that you didn't do or normally wouldn't do.  And most of all, it's about remembering that you have to have faith that things will get better, even when the curveballs are thrown your way.  That's how I'm trying to live my life now, even on the days when it's hard to believe it. 

I recommend this book to anyone who is going through a life-altering event.  It'll give you some perspective on things.  Note of caution: this book may cause you to start watching the Tour du France on TV.

Today was my last full day in the Bay Area as part of my two week stint.  I'll be heading back to Denver on Saturday.  In a way, I'm ready to get back to Denver, back to my house, back to the turtles.  It's hard to be in hotels for this long.

It's been a mixed blessing being here.  On one hand, there has been a lot of memories here.  I met Shruti here, fell in love with her here, had so much fun here.  So, sometimes I get annoyed thinking about it.  Most of time I get bummed out.  When I think of the Bay Area, I remember how much we both wanted to leave and how we looked for a place that suited us both and how Denver was that place where we would find our niche together and where we would grow together as a couple and start our family.  I keep thinking to myself that if I moved back, I would feel very defeated.  It's almost that I'm being forced into it and leaving something that was going to be much better for me and my family.

On the other hand, being able to hang out with my friends has been quite therapeutic.  I got to see most of the friends that I really wanted to spend time with and was able to talk to them about what I went through and what I'm going through now.  I spent time with Teji and Priya.  Last weekend, I stayed at their place.  On Saturday, we had a lazy day doing nothing but looking at a few houses, watching Wall-E, talking over drinks and chaat.  Last night, we made some tacos like we used to do in the old days, had a great conversation over a bordeaux, then headed out for a walk to Rivermark for some ice cream.  I really appreciate their friendship very much.

I really got a great group of friends here in the Bay Area.  And I know that if I were to come back here, I would, at least, have that going for me so it would be easy for me to do so.