So, today, I got some items from my lawyer in regards to Shruti and the divorce. What started out as a decent day is now turning into another one of those moments of complete disbelief and sadness. It's weird how some simple little event can sour your mood so quickly.
I guess when this all started back in March, I was pretty angry. I mean, I was very angry at her for leaving me when I needed her the most. I was angry that she seemed so cold. She never gave me a good explanation on why she left. Even when we talked to figure out what we wanted to do about it, she sounded cold and heartless. How could the woman I loved, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, kick me when I was already down? Where was everyone else during this whole mess?
It feels like there something missing in all of this. Like I said, maybe a good explanation. Maybe an apology. Something. I may never know the answer to these questions. I sometimes imagine that there was some other thing that was influencing her decisions, to the point where it really wasn't her decision. But I know that's not really true. She's a big girl. She has to know what she was doing. And I guess that's what makes it so much more painful.
I know I said somethings after she left that I didn't mean. I kept talking about the next wife, blah, blah, blah. But that was said out of anger and trying to make myself feel strong. It was the only thing I could think about at time, because I didn't know what to really do. What could I have done? Contrary to what she probably believed about me, I did not think of her as some object that I could easily discard. I was in love with the person, not the idea. It was the good times that I thought about, and not about the fights. I still look at some of the cards that she wrote to me, and I remember those good times.
I guess it's still really hard to conceive that things are over. I am stubborn. I don't like to quit when things are rough. I sometimes ask myself whether or not I should keep the door open in case she should want to reconcile. Maybe I should call her up and talk to her and convince her to come back. I see examples of people doing that all the time.
But my brain is telling me that there was a line crossed somewhere. She knew exactly what she was doing. And she should have known how to fix this if she did want to return. Of course, I don't know if that was the case because the last time I had actually talked to her, she sounded like she didn't even want to try. And it has been almost five months worth of chances.
I know what my friends and family are thinking. Why am I writing all of this? Well, I know for a fact that I don't hate Shruti. There are enough people who do hate her for me. I am not even angry at her. I am extremely disappointed that she is not the person I thought she was. But I still do not hate her. Of course, part of me still loves her. Thinking about how she could be miserable right now, doesn't make me any happier. It even makes me sad thinking that she might be going through her own issues, and I'm not there to help her. But that's not my job anymore. Again...her decision...she's a big girl.
So, in the end, all I care about is that divorce is done in a fair manner. I'm not going to rollover and just give everything away. I just want to be fair and have this all end in a simple manner so I can just move on. All I know is that I'm doing that I think is right, even if it is painful.
I guess when this all started back in March, I was pretty angry. I mean, I was very angry at her for leaving me when I needed her the most. I was angry that she seemed so cold. She never gave me a good explanation on why she left. Even when we talked to figure out what we wanted to do about it, she sounded cold and heartless. How could the woman I loved, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, kick me when I was already down? Where was everyone else during this whole mess?
It feels like there something missing in all of this. Like I said, maybe a good explanation. Maybe an apology. Something. I may never know the answer to these questions. I sometimes imagine that there was some other thing that was influencing her decisions, to the point where it really wasn't her decision. But I know that's not really true. She's a big girl. She has to know what she was doing. And I guess that's what makes it so much more painful.
I know I said somethings after she left that I didn't mean. I kept talking about the next wife, blah, blah, blah. But that was said out of anger and trying to make myself feel strong. It was the only thing I could think about at time, because I didn't know what to really do. What could I have done? Contrary to what she probably believed about me, I did not think of her as some object that I could easily discard. I was in love with the person, not the idea. It was the good times that I thought about, and not about the fights. I still look at some of the cards that she wrote to me, and I remember those good times.
I guess it's still really hard to conceive that things are over. I am stubborn. I don't like to quit when things are rough. I sometimes ask myself whether or not I should keep the door open in case she should want to reconcile. Maybe I should call her up and talk to her and convince her to come back. I see examples of people doing that all the time.
But my brain is telling me that there was a line crossed somewhere. She knew exactly what she was doing. And she should have known how to fix this if she did want to return. Of course, I don't know if that was the case because the last time I had actually talked to her, she sounded like she didn't even want to try. And it has been almost five months worth of chances.
I know what my friends and family are thinking. Why am I writing all of this? Well, I know for a fact that I don't hate Shruti. There are enough people who do hate her for me. I am not even angry at her. I am extremely disappointed that she is not the person I thought she was. But I still do not hate her. Of course, part of me still loves her. Thinking about how she could be miserable right now, doesn't make me any happier. It even makes me sad thinking that she might be going through her own issues, and I'm not there to help her. But that's not my job anymore. Again...her decision...she's a big girl.
So, in the end, all I care about is that divorce is done in a fair manner. I'm not going to rollover and just give everything away. I just want to be fair and have this all end in a simple manner so I can just move on. All I know is that I'm doing that I think is right, even if it is painful.
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