Happy Diwali, everyone. I hope that everyone has a safe and prosperous new year.
October 2008 Archives
Today was the 2008 Fall Lafayette Block Party. I hosted it this time around. It was a long time coming. It was a really good turn-out. Plenty of good food and good drinks. It was a really good way to get everyone together and for people to meet, who haven't yet met. I also thought it was a good way to have my neighbors get to know me a little bit better. This neighborhood is full of really good people. I really enjoyed having them over.
Ever since I've committed to stay in Denver, things have been a lot different. I don't have one foot out the door anymore. With that, it is starting to feel like I'm establishing some roots. I recently voted, and I actually read up on all of the proposals, because now it feels a bit more important to do so. I've been getting more and more involved with other groups and meeting new people. And with this block party, I really feel a bit more like I belong to a community.
Ever since I've committed to stay in Denver, things have been a lot different. I don't have one foot out the door anymore. With that, it is starting to feel like I'm establishing some roots. I recently voted, and I actually read up on all of the proposals, because now it feels a bit more important to do so. I've been getting more and more involved with other groups and meeting new people. And with this block party, I really feel a bit more like I belong to a community.
So, today, I finally gave away some of the most disturbing items that has been sitting around deep in one of my drawers. While I was married, we had made the decision to have kids, and until it all blew up, we were trying to have kids. As fun, we had bought various items that we came across for the kid we were supposed to eventually have. We had a outfit with a turtle on the shirt, matched with a pair of shoes with turtles on it. We also had a University of Michigan one-z, that was for the newborn. It was really cute. But because those things were purchased with her, I couldn't really bear to keep them. So, I gave them away today. It bummed me out a little bit because I was really looking forward to having a family.
I'm really glad that we didn't have kids after all. After seeing what she would do to someone she said she loved, I can't even imagine what would have happened if we had kids. I think it would have been a worse situation.
I do want to have a family with the right person. I'm not going to let go of that dream. When that happens, I'll go back to Ann Arbor and buy that Michigan one-z again.
I'm really glad that we didn't have kids after all. After seeing what she would do to someone she said she loved, I can't even imagine what would have happened if we had kids. I think it would have been a worse situation.
I do want to have a family with the right person. I'm not going to let go of that dream. When that happens, I'll go back to Ann Arbor and buy that Michigan one-z again.
So, after a couple of weeks of traveling to Detroit and to New Jersey,
I'm back in Denver. My cousin Kapil has returned to Chicago (and is
now traveling to India). I've been trying to keep busy by doing all of
the things I put on the back burner while I had company over. It's a
huge list. So, first thing I had to do was get my finances in order.
Normally, I use Quicken for keeping track of everything. But with the
divorce, everything got screwed up and I didn't want to retain any of her
account information. So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and
start all over. That took me a few days to do. Now, I'm in the middle
of reorganizing the house. I had pretty much kept the way things were
organized when she had left. But now, I've taken the
initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it. It
feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on
someone else. And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the
place more homey for me. And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house.
And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company. So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely. I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with. I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver.
What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together. Fall is in the cold, crisp air. The leaves are changing colors and falling. This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone.
It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on. A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids. This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes. I sometimes think that that is what happened. I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs. And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better. I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch). I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly. I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away. I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything. I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before. And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs. That's not who I am.
People tell me that I should focus on myself now. I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me. But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.
I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce. And that makes me a bit bitter at times. I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me. I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons. So, I feel like she took advantage of me. I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry. It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her. And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me. (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.) I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future. But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about. And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.
And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer. I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime. My hair is back to normal (gray and all). My beard is growing normal. Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that. I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence. And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.
So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live. I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got. But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got. So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out. It's not easy, especially, being older. I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.
I'm just too impatient.
And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company. So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely. I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with. I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver.
What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together. Fall is in the cold, crisp air. The leaves are changing colors and falling. This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone.
It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on. A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids. This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes. I sometimes think that that is what happened. I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs. And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better. I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch). I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly. I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away. I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything. I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before. And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs. That's not who I am.
People tell me that I should focus on myself now. I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me. But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.
I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce. And that makes me a bit bitter at times. I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me. I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons. So, I feel like she took advantage of me. I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry. It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her. And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me. (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.) I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future. But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about. And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.
And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer. I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime. My hair is back to normal (gray and all). My beard is growing normal. Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that. I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence. And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.
So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live. I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got. But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got. So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out. It's not easy, especially, being older. I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.
I'm just too impatient.
This past weekend, my family and I attended a wedding for Ruchi and Jason. As a background, Renu and I grew up with Ruchi and her brother Shan. Our parents are great friends. I really wanted to go to this wedding. I had missed Shan's wedding, and I heard it was so much fun. Second, because I grew up with them, it's like seeing my sister getting married. Third, they supported me and my parents during all of the garbage that happened this year. So, it was important.
We had a blast. Everything was done up so well. Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks. It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years. It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor. I had so much fun. It almost felt like an Arora wedding.
But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!" What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.
I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness. Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly. I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced. I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously. I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all.
So, now, I'm dating again. I know that eventually I want to get married again. But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance. I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring. I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around. I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person. No gifts, no attention, no nothing. My family did so much for me the first time around. My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself. The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts. They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask.
And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person. There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me. So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.
Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair. Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with. And that's not right. The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want. And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.
So, now, it's something I have to deal with. I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids. I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now. Again, my legacy.
It's a slow process. I know that. I'll just have to deal with it. In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.
We had a blast. Everything was done up so well. Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks. It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years. It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor. I had so much fun. It almost felt like an Arora wedding.
But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!" What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.
I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness. Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly. I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced. I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously. I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all.
So, now, I'm dating again. I know that eventually I want to get married again. But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance. I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring. I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around. I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person. No gifts, no attention, no nothing. My family did so much for me the first time around. My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself. The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts. They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask.
And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person. There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me. So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.
Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair. Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with. And that's not right. The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want. And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.
So, now, it's something I have to deal with. I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids. I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now. Again, my legacy.
It's a slow process. I know that. I'll just have to deal with it. In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.
It has been brought to my attention that I've not updated my blog in some time. I forgot that I needed to satisfy my cousins' hunger for my daily information :-) Ok, here's a quick rundown of things, but I'll remember to be more persistent at writing.
Actually, it hasn't been that eventful in the last few weeks. My cousin Kapil is currently living with me and has been for about six weeks. (Technically, he's not my cousin, but a cousin through marriage.) So, we've been trying to take advantage of what Denver has to offer, especially, to give him a sense of the area so he can decided to move here at the beginning of next year. He is going to be taking off this Monday, back to Chicago.
I recently signed the loan documents to refinance my house and to transfer the title in my name. While it's not official yet, the house is pretty much in my name alone. This is a good thing because I get some peace of mind now. I pretty much have free reign to do whatever I want with the house in the future, without having to deal with her. I don't plan on having any contact with her, ever...Most of my close friends and family already know how I feel about that so I don't need to go into any more detail there.
Anyways, so that's all taken care of now. Of course, I'm in the midst of my second round of buyer's remorse. Maybe it was the first round because when the house was purchased the first time, I knew it was the right thing to do with the circumstances. Now, the circumstances are different. So, I will go through my bit of remorse. I guess I've just been focusing a bit on the negatives of living in Denver. It is still fairly new to me. I don't have a lot of single friends here. I haven't met as many Indian women (or any Indians, for that matter) here as I would like. I'm going to be in a little bit of debt, having to pay all of the lawyer fees and the credit card bills that have piled up. Argh...it's not a fun thing to think about. When you're sitting at home by yourself, you tend to think about those things. But, I also know that it'll take time to make new friends. By mid next year, I should be fully out of debt (minus the mortgage and car). Things will be more stable.
I'm going to Detroit to attend a family friend's wedding (and hang out with family) and then Philadelphia to meet up with some friends. So, that's a good little break. And then when I come back, I have a bunch of stuff to start working on, which will keep me busy.
During the last month, I went camping with Kapil and with other friends. The fresh, crisp air felt very renewing. And that's where I basically am now. It's a restart. I am moving on with my life, and it's exciting to think about. I just need to maintain a positive attitude about my life and not think about all of the hurt that still rears its ugly head once in a while. It only takes time.
In the mean time, I'm here and there...
Actually, it hasn't been that eventful in the last few weeks. My cousin Kapil is currently living with me and has been for about six weeks. (Technically, he's not my cousin, but a cousin through marriage.) So, we've been trying to take advantage of what Denver has to offer, especially, to give him a sense of the area so he can decided to move here at the beginning of next year. He is going to be taking off this Monday, back to Chicago.
I recently signed the loan documents to refinance my house and to transfer the title in my name. While it's not official yet, the house is pretty much in my name alone. This is a good thing because I get some peace of mind now. I pretty much have free reign to do whatever I want with the house in the future, without having to deal with her. I don't plan on having any contact with her, ever...Most of my close friends and family already know how I feel about that so I don't need to go into any more detail there.
Anyways, so that's all taken care of now. Of course, I'm in the midst of my second round of buyer's remorse. Maybe it was the first round because when the house was purchased the first time, I knew it was the right thing to do with the circumstances. Now, the circumstances are different. So, I will go through my bit of remorse. I guess I've just been focusing a bit on the negatives of living in Denver. It is still fairly new to me. I don't have a lot of single friends here. I haven't met as many Indian women (or any Indians, for that matter) here as I would like. I'm going to be in a little bit of debt, having to pay all of the lawyer fees and the credit card bills that have piled up. Argh...it's not a fun thing to think about. When you're sitting at home by yourself, you tend to think about those things. But, I also know that it'll take time to make new friends. By mid next year, I should be fully out of debt (minus the mortgage and car). Things will be more stable.
I'm going to Detroit to attend a family friend's wedding (and hang out with family) and then Philadelphia to meet up with some friends. So, that's a good little break. And then when I come back, I have a bunch of stuff to start working on, which will keep me busy.
During the last month, I went camping with Kapil and with other friends. The fresh, crisp air felt very renewing. And that's where I basically am now. It's a restart. I am moving on with my life, and it's exciting to think about. I just need to maintain a positive attitude about my life and not think about all of the hurt that still rears its ugly head once in a while. It only takes time.
In the mean time, I'm here and there...