So, after a couple of weeks of traveling to Detroit and to New Jersey,
I'm back in Denver. My cousin Kapil has returned to Chicago (and is
now traveling to India). I've been trying to keep busy by doing all of
the things I put on the back burner while I had company over. It's a
huge list. So, first thing I had to do was get my finances in order.
Normally, I use Quicken for keeping track of everything. But with the
divorce, everything got screwed up and I didn't want to retain any of her
account information. So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and
start all over. That took me a few days to do. Now, I'm in the middle
of reorganizing the house. I had pretty much kept the way things were
organized when she had left. But now, I've taken the
initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it. It
feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on
someone else. And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the
place more homey for me. And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house.
And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company. So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely. I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with. I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver.
What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together. Fall is in the cold, crisp air. The leaves are changing colors and falling. This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone.
It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on. A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids. This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes. I sometimes think that that is what happened. I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs. And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better. I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch). I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly. I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away. I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything. I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before. And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs. That's not who I am.
People tell me that I should focus on myself now. I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me. But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.
I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce. And that makes me a bit bitter at times. I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me. I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons. So, I feel like she took advantage of me. I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry. It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her. And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me. (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.) I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future. But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about. And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.
And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer. I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime. My hair is back to normal (gray and all). My beard is growing normal. Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that. I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence. And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.
So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live. I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got. But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got. So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out. It's not easy, especially, being older. I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.
I'm just too impatient.
And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company. So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely. I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with. I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver.
What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together. Fall is in the cold, crisp air. The leaves are changing colors and falling. This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone.
It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on. A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids. This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes. I sometimes think that that is what happened. I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs. And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better. I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch). I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly. I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away. I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything. I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before. And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs. That's not who I am.
People tell me that I should focus on myself now. I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me. But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.
I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce. And that makes me a bit bitter at times. I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me. I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons. So, I feel like she took advantage of me. I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry. It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her. And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me. (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.) I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future. But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about. And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.
And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer. I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime. My hair is back to normal (gray and all). My beard is growing normal. Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that. I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence. And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.
So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live. I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got. But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got. So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out. It's not easy, especially, being older. I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.
I'm just too impatient.
Leave a comment