It's been a while since I've written an entry here.  There actually hasn't been not much to write about.  I had been using this blog only for writing at times when there has been an emotional trigger.  And, really, I've not had any of those triggers as of late.  I recently got a bag full of stuff from my ex-wife through a friend.  There were a few pictures from a trip that we had taken a couple of years ago.  It was pretty much easy to just throw those away without any emotion. 

I was talking to my therapist about this.  I'm really no longer at that point where I need to reflect on things.  I'm past that and am at the point where I am more about being active.  That's why I don't really write very much any more.  Don't need that release.  Even this entry is not about a release, but a just because  (And, one thing I should point out, is that whenever I did write an entry, I only wrote it because I was feeling something at that particular point in time, but I wasn't feeling that all of the time.)

I was watching Swingers again for the umpteenth time, since it's my absolute favorite flick.  And there's that point in the movie where Rob was talking to Mike about how eventually get over it and you kinda miss the pain itself.  I guess that's true.  In a way, I miss the pain, now.   Don't get me wrong.  It does hurt sometimes, but very rarely.  I still don't care for my ex-wife and what she did.  She is not a part of my future and I'm pretty much erasing her from my past.  Again, with the Swingers reference, that point where Mike hangs up on his ex when the other girl calls.

So, now what?  Life goes on.  I have been spending a lot of time out.  I met a good group of people to watch the Red Wings games with.  I've been active with kickball again.  I spend a lot of time with the dog.  I've been traveling to Costa Rica for vacation and to Chicago to visit my new nephew.  I'm off to Detroit tomorrow for a cousin's wedding in Toronto and in a few weeks a cousin's wedding in Cleveland.  At home, I've been working on the landscaping of my house, which has been a lot of fun (much easier than the inside of the house).  I've also tried to be active in the dating scene (nothing interesting to report right now).  Just feeling normal again.  It's pretty cool. 

So, this morning, I got a visit from my ex-wife, who was dropping off a few items that she found that belonged to me.  We chatted for a few minutes.  Not really sure why I allowed that to happen because I wasn't that comfortable seeing her.  I have no feelings for her, but I still didn't really want to see her.  But, I did go on with it.  Maybe I'm just too fricking nice. 

It appears that she's moving out of Denver, so she found some of my stuff while cleaning up.  You'd think that I'd be jumping for joy because I got one of my wishes.  Her shadow is no longer here in Denver.  Denver is now my town. 

But it was a bit bittersweet.  One of the things that bothered me today was when she told me that she was dating someone.  Even though she didn't tell me who, I knew who it was.  It doesn't take a genius to find out.   But, what bothers me is that I don't know how long it had been going on, and if he had some role in all of this.  So, that just made me sad to think about that.

And it made me upset because that just magnified the situation I am in.  I'm not dating anyone right now.  I'm alone at home with my dog on most days.  That really sucks for me.  I don't want to be alone.  I want to be actively dating and moving on with my life.  But that's not happening like I want...and I don't know how it could be fair that she did what she did and she's already in some relationship.  What the...

She asked me if we could ever be friends, because she was my wife.  I pretty much said that it would be hard, because I couldn't be friends with anyone who did what she did.  I cannot respect people like that.  And, there's no need to have her be a part of my life anymore.  It's not like there's anything between us that requires that, like a kid or something.  So, I don't really plan on getting to that point, ever.  

But it's finally goodbye to her. 

Today, I really feel like some higher power is really wants to test me.  Of course, I don't believe in a higher power, so, really it just feels like being a little cursed right now. 

So, today's story.  I don't make it a secret that I'm back on those online dating sites.  I had been going back and forth with someone recently.  Just the initial stuff, you know.  Nothing really special.  So, I did get to talk to this person on the phone for the first time.  Again, nothing special.  Decent conversation...long story short, it turns out that there was a couple of degrees of familial separation between her and my ex-wife.  Frick.  Basically, once that was found out, that was the end of that...Since I blame her as well as her family for what happened, there's really nothing more to say after that.  What annoys me the most is not that this person was that special that I was deeply interested or anything like that, but that for some stupid reason, the world was just small enough that something associated with the bitch, affected my love life...

So, a month ago, my parents were in town, which was awesome.  I remember talking to my mom, who loves to read this blog.  And she said that it seems like I am still pretty hurt by everything that happened, because I still refer to the ex-wife as "the bitch".  Yes, damn it...I am still a little hurt by everything that happened.  Should I not be?  I don't know.  I've been trying to put it all behind me, but it hasn't been that long I suppose.  It was just over a year ago on the Ides of March when she did decided to just abandon me.  Of course, the 17th is the anniversary of my first chemo treatment.  There are those things...plus being alone in this house...being around people that I met through my ex...other things...there's just enough out there to keep reminding me that I am not in the place I expected/wanted to be.  It's hard to reminded sometimes that life is not always in your control, and the past is still not that far behind. 

Yes, I do believe that my past will make be a better person, and I'm better off now than I was during the relationship.  I get that.  I just don't want to be reminded of it as much as it feels like I have been.  I definitely don't want my past relationship to be so obviously a problem for any potential new relationships.  ARGH.

On the bright side, I have my job...for now.  I am going to be starting a volunteer position at Children's Hospital in Denver, which is something I know I will be good at.  Michigan is finally back in the Big Dance.  I'm a survivor.  I got Vegas coming up with my cousins and Costa Rica with my buds...

So, I guess I shouldn't be complaining.  But it's stuff like that that really makes you feel like there's nothing going right. 

On Saturday, a friend and I went up to Vail to do some snowboarding/skiing.  The conditions weren't very good.  It was really cold, windy, icy.  Visibility was not very good.  But we pushed through to get a decent day in.  As normal, we were done by 2:30 and ready to head back to Denver.  And so we thought we'd be back by the evening.  Instead, it ended up being pretty inconvenient.

I was driving and the weather wasn't so great.  At some point, a semi-truck changed lanes and caused chaos.  One car tried to stop and hit the truck.  This caused everyone else to freak out.  I was going with the flow of traffic, which wasn't that fast to begin with.  I also started breaking, but my car hit some ice and skidded.  I wasn't stopping and it looked like I was going to hit the car in front of me.  So, my first instinct was to look for a way to swerve and minimize the damage.  I was in the left lane so I moved right in the middle of the lane thinking that maybe that I can squeeze between two cars.  But as I was going through that, my friend was yelling "Go right" as in trying to go all the way right to the right most shoulder.  The right lane had more room as well, so there was a possibility that we could slow down.  But, I kept skidding.  And I wasn't going to make it to the shoulder.  The minivan in front of me never saw me coming. 

Bam, hit the minivan square in the back.   First things first, no one was hurt.  Thank god for that.  But the damage was done.  The back of the minivan was completely smashed in and the spare tire from the bottom of the minivan fell out.  The back window was completely gone.  My car, actually, wasn't as damaged as much as one would expect.  The Subaru Outback is a solid car and it has a high suspension.  So, my bumper was messed up and the hood caved in.  But the air bags did not deploy and no damage was near.  

Immediately, there was a tow truck near us, directing us on what to do and pulling us on the bed.  A state trooper came took my information.  I got a frickin ticket because he said that I should have been going slower because of the conditions.  The whole process took forever.  It took two hours just to get from the accident site to gas station where the car was dropped off.  Apparently, we weren't the only the ones in accidents that day.  It was pretty chaotic at the gas station, which was now a tow lot.  My car was not drivable so, the car was going to have to stay at the station.  Our best option was to get the insurance company take care of the towing.  All we needed to do was figure out how to get home. 

Unfortunately, being 120 miles away from Denver, we had no viable way back home.  No shuttles were available.  A cab ride would be almost $500.  We don't know anyone going back from the area.  So, the only solution was to find a place to stay for the night.  My friend took care of that and found us a place to stay.  Of course, it wasn't exactly close.  So, we needed to walk to a bus stop and take a 20 minute ride to Avon where the hotel was.  Of course, we missed the bus by 10 seconds, so we had to wait another 30 minutes for the next one.  Luckily, there was a Safeway next door, where we could hang out until we caught the bus.  We took the bus to the Avon stop and then had to walk from there to the hotel.

We did go grab a bite to eat and a beer.  Definitely needed it.   At least we could get a nights sleep and catch the shuttle in the morning.  We were exhausted.  It didn't help that we lost an hour due to the time change. 

So, we caught a CME shuttle in the morning.  Of course, they couldn't drop us off where we wanted to go, but only at DIA.  And since we were the first people picked up, we had to wait through all of the other passengers getting picked up...that just added an extra hour to our time.  We finally got to DIA, where my friend's dad picked us up and took us back to my house.  Basically didn't get home until 2:30pm.  A long day.

It just felt like and inconvenience more than anything.  Everything went so fast at the time of the accident, and noone was hurt.  So, this whole thing has just become an inconvenience.  Just another thing to deal with now. 

One year ago today, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma.  I guess I'm supposed to mark this occasion with some sort of celebration.  Well, it's been a pretty crazy year, so it's a little hard to really celebrate.  Looking purely at the events that were cancer related, I guess it wasn't too bad.  Within six months of being diagnosed, I was in remission.  A blink of an eye, really.  So, I don't really know how much I really feel like celebrating.  Maybe I'll have a beer. 

I know that it could be worse, and I have seen worse.  So, I feel fortunate.  I AM A SURVIOR. 
 

So, I recently just completed my court-mandated financial obligations.  I wrote the final check to my ex-wife.  And now, I am free and clear of that b**ch now.  I don't have any more obligations left to deal with.   For the last six months, I've had those obligations hanging over my head.  I've also had to maintain a bit of credit card debt which I accumulated during the whole divorce proceedings.  But I got lucky because my company made a slight mistake and paid out one of my bonuses a little earlier than expected.  And that helped.

It's a relief because I don't have to stress about that now.  I can finally start focusing on the future and work on build back my finances that was pretty much depleted in the whole divorce.  I'm not really starting over, but now I feel like that past is fully behind me.  It's a great feeling.

So, a month ago, I wrote about my resolutions for the year.  So, how's that going for me?  Well, it's not been so smooth as I had hoped.  It always seems that something gets in the way. 

The first thing that distracted me was a home improvement project I decided to take on.  I bought some new bedroom furniture, and I decided to paint my bedroom before the furniture arrived.  But, of course, I didn't make it that simple.  One of the things I hate about my house is how thick and sloppy the paint looks on all of the trim.  So, I decided to try to strip the paint off of the trim.  That turned out to be much harder than I expected, especially since this was my first time doing it, and I was dealing with removing about 4-5 layers of paint.  In the end, it took up two weeks of my time and I ended up giving up on trying to salvage the the trim.  That was majorly disappointing because I wanted to keep the original trim, but it looks like that isn't really going to happen.  And what makes it worse is that it's impossible to find stock trim that looks like the existing one, meaning that it would have to be custom.  Ok...long story short, I am going to modernize the trim throughout the house.  I did end up painting the room, but I still have to do the trim.  I decided to wait for my parents to show up to help me with that, since I've never done that before.  I still have a lot left to do.

So, where does that leave me now?  I have only lost a couple of pounds so far.  I cut out most of my soda intake.  I don't drink as much beer anymore.  My diet is much better.  I did join a gym, and I actually do go, except for the time I was working on my room.   I haven't done any yoga yet.  I'm getting involved with some of the classes at the gym, but I haven't really done the yoga ones yet.  It's slow, but I still think I can make the goal of 20 pounds by June.

I've only been to the mountains once in the last month.  There's plenty of time still though.  And it's so easy to get up there.  Leave at 6am, get a good five hours of snowboarding, then be home by 4pm.  That's not bad. 

I haven't gone anywhere yet, but there are some plans in the works for some upcoming travels.  I really want to get a karma trip in there sometime soon.  What I mean by a karma trip is to go somewhere and volunteer.  Building up the karma.

So, that's pretty much it.  I still have a ways to go, but I am in a better position than I was before. 

This week, I had my three month check up with my oncologist.  It was pretty routine.  Although, instead, I had a chest x-ray done instead of a PET/CT scan.  The doctor told me that the plan was to do the PET/CT scan every six months and alternate between x-rays and PET/CT.  Everything seems to be fine.  Nothing really new to report there.

I also had a checkup with the radiation oncologist.  Another standard exam.  I did get a bit of a kick in the pants though.  The nurse reminded me that I actually had radiation done.  And, because of that, I need to make sure that I put sunblock on every time I go out.  Putting on sunblock just to be outside is not a natural thing for me.  And it's a little frustrating to think about, because it also reminds me that life is no longer normal for me.  That's why I say it is a kick in the pants.  It's so easy to get back into old habits, but this is not something I can do anymore.  Hence, the kick in the pants.

Like most people, I always have create new year resolutions, the same ones over and over again, only to have them pretty much crap out by the end of the year.  So, this year, I am taking a slightly different approach and focusing on goals for the year instead of generic resolutions.

So, what are my goals and resolutions for this year?

1. Lose 20 pounds by mid-June.  Right now, I weigh 183 pounds and, according to my Tanita scale, have 26% body fat.  That's just utterly disgusting and embarrassing, and it's detrimental to my health.  After dealing with the cancer, I know that this is necessary.  I believe that 20 pounds is realistic.  I am also focusing on that body fat percentage.  The goal there would be to be down to 20% by then.  Why June?  That's when I will be going back to the Midwest for a series of weddings.  This goal is the mother of all goals and breeds some resolutions for the year. 
   
   
   • Reduce my intake of soda, diet or otherwise.  I've been reading how many calories even the diet drinks really have.  I'm sure it's not chock full of goodness either.
     
   • Join a gym.  I've been just running outside for the most part.  But I need to start lifting and putting some muscles on.  That helps burn more fat.  
   • Yoga.  While most people would be shocked by me saying that, some people have convinced me that it would good for me to do for the various activities I do and for my health.  I haven't yet decided if I'll do this as part of a gym routine, or go to a yoga specific studio (and, yes, I'd be avoiding certain studios).
     
   • Not drink as much beer everytime I go out.  This will probably be really hard to do, but I probably don't need to consume as much as I can.  But I definitely won't be giving it up.  I like beer way too much.
     
2. Snowboard at least 10 times this season.  I really would like to have a goal of snowboarding every week, now that I have a mountain pass.  In the past, what used to hold me back was finding people to go with and the traffic.  Now, I've met so many people and have learned of various carpools.  And also, with the flexibility in work, I can go midweek and work on the weekend instead.  That makes it easier to be motivated.
   
   
3. Travel abroad.  I have the travel bug right now.  So, I really want to go somewhere overseas.  Unfortunately, there are so many options and so little money.  Of course, now, part of me wouldn't mind being in a little bit of debt for personal travel, but in a reasonable manner.  I am hoping that I can do this as part of work so that money and vacation time no longer become an issue.  I don't know yet how reasonable that is.  But I really want to hit Africa by the end of the year and climb Kilimanjaro.  Having this goal also helps me with the first goal because I know I have to be in shape to do it.  It'll also mean doing some 14'ers prior to that.  It would also be great to go to Europe.  I have been thinking about going to Paris and practicing my French. 
   
   
4. Get my Java developer certification.  This is something that I've been holding off for several years.  I think it's just about time to just do it.  This most likely won't help me with my career. So, it's mostly for ego.
   
   
5. Volunteer somewhere.  I've been applying for volunteer positions as various cancer centers. Ideally, I'd like to work with kids with cancer, but the waiting lists tend to be pretty long.  I'm hoping to get something soon.  I just think that I can provide a bit of support to someone else who's going through the same things that I did. 
   
   
6. Have my house fully decorated.  I have not been fully focused on filling out my house with furnishings and decoration.  Now that I am committed to living here, I need to make my house comfortable to live in.  I've already started the work, just need to finish it.
   

I think what I've listed is fairly reasonable to accomplish this year.  I'm hoping that by putting this list in public domain, I will have a little bit more pressure to actual accomplish it and not be.  As I work on these goals, I'll try to blog a bit about them, so that it puts even more pressure.  So, here goes...

Finally, 2008 is coming to a close.  As the new year has been approaching, I've been growing more anxious.  I really want this year to end and to be able to put it all behind me.  As I told a friend of mine, this was the worst year (33 out of 33) so far.  I really cannot think of any year that was any worse for me.  Of course, I have to reshuffle what I would be consider my best year.  I used to think the years 2004 to 2007 were the best, because I thought I was with someone special and my health was in tip-top shape.  But that all changed this past year.

I try to break up the two major events into separate summaries, but it's really hard to do so because the happened at the same time and they are intertwined.  I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma on February 18.  It was a pretty scary time for me.  Two days before my first chemo infusion, March 15, my ex-wife decided to tell me that she was leaving me.  That was even worse because I had no other support system set up at the time.  I had to call my sister to fly out last minute to help me.  That was pretty shitty of my ex-wife to be, frankly, an indecent human being.  (This is the reason why my sister and other family and friends still refer her as "the bitch.")   So, because of that, I opted for a divorce instead of the separation that she wanted, because there would have been no way that I could ever be with a person like that.  While the divorce procedings were happening, I underwent through two months of chemo treatments and three weeks of radiation, and soon after, I was declared in remission.  Then the divorce was finally settled.  I had accepted the results of that, even though I never thought it was fair to me.  I still feel I got burned for being the nice guy.  Even then, I tried to be the calm one and be friendly towards her.  Of course, she tried to burn me once again.  At that point, I decided that I do not ever want to have anything to do with her again.  And that's that. 

So, you can probably see why I'd think that 2008 really sucked.  Aside those events, there have been other things that sucked.  My cousin Kapil is going through a divorce.  The Michigan Wolverines football team had their worst season in a long time.  The Detroit Lions lost everyone of their games.  There is so much economic uncertainty.  Crazy year.

Luckily 2008 ended with some good things, too.  I've have my hair and so far, I'm still in remission.  I rediscovered how great my family and friends are.  I found out that my sister will giving me a niece or nephew.  I still have a great job that gives me the flexibility that I needed, especially after dealing with what I did.  I still have a great house that I can't wait to put more work into.  And I've made a lot of good friends that I know I will be hanging out with in the new year. 

So, the transition from 2008 to 2009 is more symbolic than anything.  I feel like I can just put things behind me.  I still have to deal with my cancer and all of the follow up visits.  I'm definitely living a healthier lifestyle now.  I'm also using my experience with cancer as an impetus to doing more volunteer work.  I also still have to deal with the aftermath of my divorce.  I see a therapist, and that helps a lot.  I've gone through the house and purged a lot of things that feel like the past and are now "tainted".  I'm selling furniture to make room for the new furniture.  Out with the old and in with the new. 

I already feel like 2009 is going to be a great year.