This past weekend, my family and I attended a wedding for Ruchi and Jason.  As a background, Renu and I grew up with Ruchi and her brother Shan.  Our parents are great friends.  I really wanted to go to this wedding.  I had missed Shan's wedding, and I heard it was so much fun.  Second, because I grew up with them, it's like seeing my sister getting married.  Third, they supported me and my parents during all of the garbage that happened this year.  So, it was important. 

We had a blast.  Everything was done up so well.  Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks.  It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years.  It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor.  I had so much fun.  It almost felt like an Arora wedding.

But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!"  What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.

I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness.  Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly.  I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced.  I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously.  I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all. 

So, now, I'm dating again.  I know that eventually I want to get married again.  But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance.  I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring.  I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around.  I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person.  No gifts, no attention, no nothing.  My family did so much for me the first time around.  My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself.  The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts.  They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask. 

And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person.  There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me.  So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.

Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair.  Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with.  And that's not right.  The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want.  And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.

So, now, it's something I have to deal with.  I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids.  I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now.  Again, my legacy.

It's a slow process.  I know that.  I'll just have to deal with it.  In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.

It has been brought to my attention that I've not updated my blog in some time.  I forgot that I needed to satisfy my cousins' hunger for my daily information :-)  Ok, here's a quick rundown of things, but I'll remember to be more persistent at writing.

Actually, it hasn't been that eventful in the last few weeks.  My cousin Kapil is currently living with me and has been for about six weeks.  (Technically, he's not my cousin, but a cousin through marriage.)  So, we've been trying to take advantage of what Denver has to offer, especially, to give him a sense of the area so he can decided to move here at the beginning of next year.  He is going to be taking off this Monday, back to Chicago.

I recently signed the loan documents to refinance my house and to transfer the title in my name.  While it's not official yet, the house is pretty much in my name alone.  This is a good thing because I get some peace of mind now.  I pretty much have free reign to do whatever I want with the house in the future, without having to deal with her.  I don't plan on having any contact with her, ever...Most of my close friends and family already know how I feel about that so I don't need to go into any more detail there.

Anyways, so that's all taken care of now.  Of course, I'm in the midst of my second round of buyer's remorse.  Maybe it was the first round because when the house was purchased the first time, I knew it was the right thing to do with the circumstances.  Now, the circumstances are different.  So, I will go through my bit of remorse.  I guess I've just been focusing a bit on the negatives of living in Denver.  It is still fairly new to me.  I don't have a lot of single friends here.  I haven't met as many Indian women (or any Indians, for that matter) here as I would like.  I'm going to be in a little bit of debt, having to pay all of the lawyer fees and the credit card bills that have piled up.  Argh...it's not a fun thing to think about.  When you're sitting at home by yourself, you tend to think about those things.  But, I also know that it'll take time to make new friends.  By mid next year, I should be fully out of debt (minus the mortgage and car).  Things will be more stable. 

I'm going to Detroit to attend a family friend's wedding (and hang out with family) and then Philadelphia to meet up with some friends.  So, that's a good little break.  And then when I come back, I have a bunch of stuff to start working on, which will keep me busy.

During the last month, I went camping with Kapil and with other friends.  The fresh, crisp air felt very renewing.  And that's where I basically am now.  It's a restart.  I am moving on with my life, and it's exciting to think about.  I just need to maintain a positive attitude about my life and not think about all of the hurt that still rears its ugly head once in a while.  It only takes time. 

In the mean time, I'm here and there...

I'm definitely ready to date again.  I still want the same things I wanted before: a stable relationship with someone who will make me happy, someone I will eventually marry and have a family with.  My thoughts on marriage have not changed because of what I went through.  I still have those goals.  I'm just in the position of having to start over, and I'm in the fortunate position of having a better idea of who would make me happy. 

For those who are reading this blog, I do expect you to be on the lookout for me now :-)

Recently though, I've learned that just mentioning my divorce can be a liability.  I was talking to someone that I was trying to get to know better, and, in the spirit of being honest and forthright, I had mentioned that my divorce was relatively recent. Needless to say, I was relegated to the "friend zone".  I am a bit disappointed, but not really surprised.

Here's the thing.  People will judge me right away if I mention the divorce, and especially if I mention that it was recent.  I can understand that, because I would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes.  The only way to prove that I'm over my marriage is for them to get to know the real me.  Maybe I'm not 100% over with the hurt, but I'm pretty close.  I still have a few loose ends to deal with, and on some days the bitterness comes back for a few hours.  But I've also already had about six months to deal with everything.  At this point, pretty much everything has been purged from my environment. Pictures have been deleted or removed.  Mementos have been thrown out into the garbage, never to be seen again.  There are no ghosts of my ex-wife in this house, because she never really lived in this house.  I've made this house mine since then. I went through my cancer, and that made me stronger mentally. And I have a great support group that has helped me to deal with all of this and make me realize what kind of person I really am...a good one. 

I know what you're thinking.  Just because I'm writing it in my blog, it proves that I'm not over it.  I am not 100% over the hurt, but writing it in my blog helps me inch closer to that goal.  And I want people to know that I'm pretty much getting there and I'm doing it in a healthy and reasonable way.  I'm still going to do the things that I should do now with my new-found freedom (travel, volunteer, spend time with family/friends, etc.).   

And just because I'm not 100% over it, doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit.  I can and  should be dating. In fact, I know that the sooner that meeting people that I am interested in, the sooner it is that the hurt just goes away.  However, I'm not going to be that guy that jumps into any relationship immediately, because that could be disastrous.  I will take my time so that it is fair to me and to that other person. 

I guess I'll have to be a bit more aware of what happened to me in my past will be perceived by those who don't know the real me.  I won't lie about it, but I'll probably not be so upfront about it.  It's just unfortunate that this has become my legacy.

It's amazing how much support I've gotten from people.  Even still, I get emails from friends I haven't seen or talk to in a while.  That's just truly awesome. 

During this past weekend, I was at my cousin's engagement party in Houston.  I saw pretty much everyone in the family.  It was great seeing them and we had alot of fun dancing.  It was good to see Amar and Anita happy.  Congrats to them.  Can't wait for the wedding!

Afterwards, we had the usual afterparty.  My cousin's were telling me how much they read my blog.  I know that they are reading this right now.  :-) 

I guess that's why we are who we are.  The Arora's.  That's our family, we support each other.  One person gets sick, we're there.  One person goes through a hard time, we're there for them.  And when one writes meanless dribble on his/her blog, they read it and even say nice things about it.

So to them and to everyone else.  I say thank you for everything. 

Lately, I've let Shruti's recent actions eat up at me and leave me with a taste of bitterness in my mouth.  Even though I've mentioned that things were better, she has done a few things that have basically put everything back to square one.  So, I'm still a bit pissed off about things.  I am still hurt by everything that she did, and her recent behavior reminded me of that.  I'm also pretty mad at myself for letting a person like her bother me so much.  I've had a few people kick my ass and tell me to snap out of it.  I get the message. I'm a better person than she is. Karma will find a way to deal with her.

It'll take a little bit of time.  And there will be times when it'll still bother me, but not as much as it did the day before.  But I will move on from this.  It is what it is, and I accept that.  And I'm not going to let it affect my future relationships.  And from what I've seen already, there are a lot better people out there. 

I know now that maybe it wasn't really my fault after all.  I did the best that I could do, and probably the best that any person could do with a person like her.

This is the last blog entry I will ever mention her again.  Now, I'm officially single again.  I don't have to take care of her.  I don't even have to care about her (which I don't). 

I'm free now.  That's all I have to say. 

Yesterday was the 2008 MUDD Volleyball event, which raises money for the March of Dimes.  The March of Dimes "is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality."  Our team was organized by one of my fellow kickball teammates. 

For those who've never played MUDD volleyball, it's simply volleyball in knee deep of muddy water.  You basically can't move much, hence why there is eight players per side.  It was such a blast playing out there and getting pretty dirty.  Of course, there was some beers involved as well.  All money going to the March of Dimes, so it is a worthwhile cause.

Pictures coming soon...

In my last blog entry, I mentioned that there was a bit of reluctance to leave Denver.  So, today, I officially took my house off the market.  I'm staying put....for now.

It is a good weight off my shoulders because now I can focus on feeling stable again.  I can focus on doing things in the house that I've been wanting to.  I can now commit myself to meeting new friends in the area.  I've been playing around with the idea of starting a club on Meetup.com to meet fellow Indians in the area.  I can finally get a dog!

I know that my head keeps going back and forth.  But, when I was in Detroit, my parents helped me realize that being alone or bored will happen anywhere I go.  So, I can't use that as a reason to leave.  And, now, Shruti and I do talk in a more cordial way so I'm not too worried about running into her and being all emotional.  So, with that, the only thing that I don't like about Denver is diversity, but I'm willing to see what's up with all that with some meet up groups or something. 

The option to move overseas may still come up next year.  So, I guess I will wait until the opportunity actually materializes before I start thinking of picking up and taking off.  So, I'm staying put for now and will give this place at least one more year.  Got to make the most of it now.

I took a last minute trip last week to Detroit for a few days because the divorce was completed.  I got to hang out with my parents, of course, and my cousin Rohit and his new wife Purvi at the Tigers game, and with my friend Marcus and his family.  I wanted the chance to clear my head on a few things, especially, my future plans.

So, what does that mean?  As part of the settlement, I stated that I was going to sell the house, so the house was put on the market this past Friday for $330k (MLS ID 683978).  I have mixed feelings about this.  I really love this house.  This is the house that I would buy if I was single and I had moved to Denver.  I had alot of plans for this house, and it has already been somewhat decorated to my specifications.  Shruti only spent three weeks in this house, so it's not like this house reminds me of her.  It's just empty because it's just me, so it feels a bit lonely at times.

So, while I was in Detroit, I kept trying to figure out what I want to do.  Do I want to leave Denver or not?  It's a hard choice for me now.  The basic problem is that I don't know where I want to end up.  I don't want to be in California.  I have a long list of complaints that I've accumulated since I moved there in 1999.  Chicago has always been a top choice, but it is flat, and I want to still be able to snowboard while my body can take it.

I guess I feel like there's a bit of unfinished business here.  Denver has alot to offer, and I haven't felt like I've taken advantage of it.  Partly because last year, I was too dependent on Shruti for companionship, earlier this year, I was sick, and now because I haven't committed to living here, I haven't tried hard.  But I've started being a part of a few clubs though Meetup.com, so there are still opportunities to do things and meet new people.  I moved here to also be able to be in the mountains. 

The first big con of being in Denver is the lack of diversity. It's a very white city.  The second con is that Shruti is still here, and I still would feel uncomfortable if I ran into her by accident.

I put myself back into the dating scene full time right after the divorce was settled.  I'm back online on all of those sites. I've suggested to family and friends that they set me up with someone.  I'm not looking to rush into something, but it would be good to get back in the game and possibly meet someone who definitely exceeds my wildest dreams.  It's a bit weird, but it has been six months since Shruti has been around.  Even though the divorce was settled fairly recently, we broke up in March. I can easily say that I'm over her now.

But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how she broke my heart into a million pieces.  I have not forgiven her for leaving me when I had CANCER. People have been asking me about my previous entry regarding the comment that this had to happen.  Well, I never wanted the divorce in the first place. At the time, I felt like everything could have been resolved.  But looking back at the thing that she did, yeah, divorce had to happen. I deserve much better than what she put me through.  And I'm definitely looking for someone who is much better than her. 

So, that now leaves me back to the original statement, do I want to leave Denver?  I still don't have a clear answer.  I hate to say "no" because a few ago, it was a definite "yes."  I guess I still have a bit of time to decide. 

My friends Bhanu and Ruchi embarked on a 6 month vacation fairly recently.  They plan on travelling to Europe for a little over a month and then spending the rest of the time in India.  I'm totally envious of them taking that much time to travel and not working.  Bhanu will be blogging the travels and setting up links to photos on his website http://www.billionshades.com. 

I started today thinking that by the end of the day, I would be bitching and drinking heavily.  Instead, I finally feel a little bit of closure.

So, today was mediation.  This was meant to come to some settlement on all of the major and minor issues related to the divorce.  Coming in, I thought this was going to be like the movie, Wedding Crashers, where both parties are in the same room yelling at each other.  Instead it was set up so that my and my lawyer were in one room, Shruti and her lawyer were in the other room, and the mediator just shuttled between the two.  Shuttle diplomacy.

In the morning, I had this mindset that I was going to get screwed and that I would have to give Shruti everything.  As I was going through the process, I kinda felt like I was getting slapped in the face because here she is asking for all this money and stuff after all that happened.  I knew I had to treat this as a cost-benefit analysis, but still there was that emotional side to all of this. 

Mediation lasted a good four and a half hours.  In the end, I think that both of us were tired of all of this fighting.  We wanted to just settle.  I just wanted to accept it.  I think that the settlement ended up being fine for all people involved. 

It will mean that I am selling the house and leaving Denver.  That was more my decision that she agreed to.  I don't feel like I am being forced to sell.  More on this in a bit.

At the end of this, we signed the papers.  Because we were able to settle this here, our permanent orders hearing is no longer required.  On Monday, we expect the decree for separation (which also means divorce) to be filed and then the court to rubber stamp it a few days later.  So, by the end of next week, we are no longer considered a married couple.

This whole thing has been one huge weird mess.  She did something that really hurt me and others around me.  In turn, I did stuff that hurt her and others around her.  I knew she read my blog (she confirmed it) and I've written alot of things to try to hurt her, with some success.  I regret that now.  I regret alot of the hurt that happened during the marriage, too.  I know that she does too.  I believe her. 

I guess sometimes it's hard to really know who was really behind all of this mess, Shruti or her lawyer.  Sure, there were some questionable things that had happened that I think that she was responsible for. But I'd like to believe now that Shruti is not the cold-hearted person that I've made her out to be.  There's a reason I married her in the first place.  But in the end, it's her actions that prove the kind of person she is.

I guess it's time to move on. I don't know if we'll ever be friends after this.  I haven't quite figured out if I've forgiven her 100%.

I know I've only been here in Denver for a year and a half and I've experienced some pretty negative things while here.  But I've grown fond of this place.  This place has a lot of the things that I'm looking for, but it's missing some of the things I need.  Even being in this house for only six months, I will miss it alot.  It was everything that I wanted in a house, but, unfortunately, it never became the home like it was supposed to be.  I know that I could have stayed and started a new life myself here.  It's a great place for a fresh start.  And before, I would say that I couldn't be here knowing that Shruti was here.  But that's no longer the case.  Just like the divorce, in the end it's just the right thing to do.  I just have to accept that.

I guess that's that.  On to better things.