tag:www.anilarora.com,2008-10-04://10 2008-11-11T17:44:46Z Movable Type Pro 4.21-en tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.274 2008-11-11T08:48:58Z 2008-11-11T17:44:46Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com she decided to leave the way she did.

This thought was triggered tonight while I was reading a book called Anticancer: A New Way of Life (more about this in a later entry).  One the chapters in this book talks about the Anticancer mind, which about how our mind can be responsible for the growth and prevention of cancer.  Stress is one of those things can really make cancer worse, or even bring it back from remission.

Now, go back to March when it all went down.  I'm two days from chemotherapy.  I think things are going fine. Then she decided to leave me with no support system in place.  That's a significant amount of stress to be dumped onto one person.  For someone who believes in yoga and ayurvedic teachings, she must have known what she was doing.  She was trying to to make my health even worse.  Luckily, with all of the other support that I got, I didn't let it.  But it still hurt, nonetheless. 

The thought process is interesting.  I haven't been dwelling on such things, lately.  Because it happened to me, there will always be triggers that will remind me of what I thought I had and what I wish I had now.  And those triggers are everywhere, especially when I read books about cancer.  It's always hard to hear a story where someone's spouse fully supported them through their ordeal.  Even when Lance Armstrong had to deal with his cancer, his girlfriend at the time stuck by through the treatments, even though they already knew that the relationship wasn't going to last.  That's tough to understand why she didn't have that in her to be that type of person.  I guess that tells you what kind of person she is.

In general, I guess it always bothers me how people treat each other.  I know of other instances where people have treated others with callous disregard.  I know that I probably have done that to other people, too, and that is definitely something I am not proud of.  So, I guess I don't know the answer to all of that and probably never will.  But thanks to my family, friends, therapist, and this blog, eventually, I'll never need to.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.273 2008-11-11T04:07:13Z 2008-11-11T04:30:12Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com Net-IP.  When I had moved to the Bay Area, I found that Net-IP was a good resource to meet new people, and I did end up making friends that I still have today.  But, there's nothing like that here in Denver, or in Colorado for that matter.  Unfortunately, starting a Net-IP chapter requires a significant amount of set up and dedication.  Something, I don't have right now for that. 

Last year, I was told about meetup.com.  It's an online social site where anyone can create a group for anything.  So, I started one for Indians in the Denver/Boulder area.  Right now, this is a precursor to starting a Net-IP chapter once there is significant interest.  Momentum is building, so I'm looking to spread the word.  If you are in the Denver/Boulder area and are interested, please sign up and tell your friends.  It's free (a word I know most Indians like)!

]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.271 2008-11-09T19:24:19Z 2008-11-09T19:35:32Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
At this point, my scans are supposed to be done every three months.  Because of scheduling, I wasn't able to do this back in October.  So, the next appointment is in January.  I don't know at what point I will switch to six months intervals.  But at this point, I'm being closely monitored for any recurrences. 
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.269 2008-10-28T17:33:47Z 2008-10-28T17:35:22Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.268 2008-10-27T05:01:02Z 2008-10-27T06:43:35Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
Ever since I've committed to stay in Denver, things have been a lot different. I don't have one foot out the door anymore.  With that, it is starting to feel like I'm establishing some roots. I recently voted, and I actually read up on all of the proposals, because now it feels a bit more important to do so.  I've been getting more and more involved with other groups and meeting new people.  And with this block party, I really feel a bit more like I belong to a community. 
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.267 2008-10-24T19:43:13Z 2008-10-24T20:08:42Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com her, I couldn't really bear to keep them.  So, I gave them away today.  It bummed me out a little bit because I was really looking forward to having a family. 

I'm really glad that we didn't have kids after all.  After seeing what she would do to someone she said she loved, I can't even imagine what would have happened if we had kids.  I think it would have been a worse situation. 

I do want to have a family with the right person.  I'm not going to let go of that dream.  When that happens, I'll go back to Ann Arbor and buy that Michigan one-z again.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.266 2008-10-23T22:43:40Z 2008-10-24T00:10:22Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com her account information.  So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and start all over.  That took me a few days to do.  Now, I'm in the middle of reorganizing the house.  I had pretty much kept the way things were organized when she had left.  But now, I've taken the initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it.  It feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on someone else.  And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the place more homey for me.  And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house. 

And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company.  So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely.  I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with.  I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver. 

What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together.  Fall is in the cold, crisp air.  The leaves are changing colors and falling.  This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone. 

It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on.  A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids.  This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes.  I sometimes think that that is what happened.  I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs.  And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better.  I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch).  I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly.  I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away.  I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything.  I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before.  And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs.  That's not who I am.

People tell me that I should focus on myself now.  I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me.  But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.

I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce.  And that makes me a bit bitter at times.  I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me.  I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons.  So, I feel like she took advantage of me.  I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry.  It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her.  And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me.  (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.)  I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future.  But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about.  And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.

And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer.  I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime.  My hair is back to normal (gray and all).  My beard is growing normal.  Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that.  I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence.  And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.

So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live.  I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got.  But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got.  So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out.  It's not easy, especially, being older.  I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.

I'm just too impatient.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008://10.264 2008-10-05T17:11:01Z 2008-10-06T08:23:11Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
We had a blast.  Everything was done up so well.  Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks.  It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years.  It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor.  I had so much fun.  It almost felt like an Arora wedding.

But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!"  What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.

I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness.  Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly.  I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced.  I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously.  I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all. 

So, now, I'm dating again.  I know that eventually I want to get married again.  But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance.  I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring.  I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around.  I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person.  No gifts, no attention, no nothing.  My family did so much for me the first time around.  My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself.  The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts.  They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask. 

And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person.  There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me.  So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.

Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair.  Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with.  And that's not right.  The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want.  And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.

So, now, it's something I have to deal with.  I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids.  I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now.  Again, my legacy.

It's a slow process.  I know that.  I'll just have to deal with it.  In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.260 2008-10-02T16:17:24Z 2008-10-04T19:05:21Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
Actually, it hasn't been that eventful in the last few weeks.  My cousin Kapil is currently living with me and has been for about six weeks.  (Technically, he's not my cousin, but a cousin through marriage.)  So, we've been trying to take advantage of what Denver has to offer, especially, to give him a sense of the area so he can decided to move here at the beginning of next year.  He is going to be taking off this Monday, back to Chicago.

I recently signed the loan documents to refinance my house and to transfer the title in my name.  While it's not official yet, the house is pretty much in my name alone.  This is a good thing because I get some peace of mind now.  I pretty much have free reign to do whatever I want with the house in the future, without having to deal with her.  I don't plan on having any contact with her, ever...Most of my close friends and family already know how I feel about that so I don't need to go into any more detail there.

Anyways, so that's all taken care of now.  Of course, I'm in the midst of my second round of buyer's remorse.  Maybe it was the first round because when the house was purchased the first time, I knew it was the right thing to do with the circumstances.  Now, the circumstances are different.  So, I will go through my bit of remorse.  I guess I've just been focusing a bit on the negatives of living in Denver.  It is still fairly new to me.  I don't have a lot of single friends here.  I haven't met as many Indian women (or any Indians, for that matter) here as I would like.  I'm going to be in a little bit of debt, having to pay all of the lawyer fees and the credit card bills that have piled up.  Argh...it's not a fun thing to think about.  When you're sitting at home by yourself, you tend to think about those things.  But, I also know that it'll take time to make new friends.  By mid next year, I should be fully out of debt (minus the mortgage and car).  Things will be more stable. 

I'm going to Detroit to attend a family friend's wedding (and hang out with family) and then Philadelphia to meet up with some friends.  So, that's a good little break.  And then when I come back, I have a bunch of stuff to start working on, which will keep me busy.

During the last month, I went camping with Kapil and with other friends.  The fresh, crisp air felt very renewing.  And that's where I basically am now.  It's a restart.  I am moving on with my life, and it's exciting to think about.  I just need to maintain a positive attitude about my life and not think about all of the hurt that still rears its ugly head once in a while.  It only takes time. 

In the mean time, I'm here and there...

]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.259 2008-08-19T05:07:10Z 2008-08-19T08:56:55Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
For those who are reading this blog, I do expect you to be on the lookout for me now :-)

Recently though, I've learned that just mentioning my divorce can be a liability.  I was talking to someone that I was trying to get to know better, and, in the spirit of being honest and forthright, I had mentioned that my divorce was relatively recent. Needless to say, I was relegated to the "friend zone".  I am a bit disappointed, but not really surprised.

Here's the thing.  People will judge me right away if I mention the divorce, and especially if I mention that it was recent.  I can understand that, because I would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes.  The only way to prove that I'm over my marriage is for them to get to know the real me.  Maybe I'm not 100% over with the hurt, but I'm pretty close.  I still have a few loose ends to deal with, and on some days the bitterness comes back for a few hours.  But I've also already had about six months to deal with everything.  At this point, pretty much everything has been purged from my environment. Pictures have been deleted or removed.  Mementos have been thrown out into the garbage, never to be seen again.  There are no ghosts of my ex-wife in this house, because she never really lived in this house.  I've made this house mine since then. I went through my cancer, and that made me stronger mentally. And I have a great support group that has helped me to deal with all of this and make me realize what kind of person I really am...a good one. 

I know what you're thinking.  Just because I'm writing it in my blog, it proves that I'm not over it.  I am not 100% over the hurt, but writing it in my blog helps me inch closer to that goal.  And I want people to know that I'm pretty much getting there and I'm doing it in a healthy and reasonable way.  I'm still going to do the things that I should do now with my new-found freedom (travel, volunteer, spend time with family/friends, etc.).   

And just because I'm not 100% over it, doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit.  I can and  should be dating. In fact, I know that the sooner that meeting people that I am interested in, the sooner it is that the hurt just goes away.  However, I'm not going to be that guy that jumps into any relationship immediately, because that could be disastrous.  I will take my time so that it is fair to me and to that other person. 

I guess I'll have to be a bit more aware of what happened to me in my past will be perceived by those who don't know the real me.  I won't lie about it, but I'll probably not be so upfront about it.  It's just unfortunate that this has become my legacy.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.258 2008-08-18T19:59:38Z 2008-08-18T20:55:55Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
During this past weekend, I was at my cousin's engagement party in Houston.  I saw pretty much everyone in the family.  It was great seeing them and we had alot of fun dancing.  It was good to see Amar and Anita happy.  Congrats to them.  Can't wait for the wedding!

Afterwards, we had the usual afterparty.  My cousin's were telling me how much they read my blog.  I know that they are reading this right now.  :-) 

I guess that's why we are who we are.  The Arora's.  That's our family, we support each other.  One person gets sick, we're there.  One person goes through a hard time, we're there for them.  And when one writes meanless dribble on his/her blog, they read it and even say nice things about it.

So to them and to everyone else.  I say thank you for everything. 
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.257 2008-08-10T15:52:07Z 2008-08-18T19:58:56Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
It'll take a little bit of time.  And there will be times when it'll still bother me, but not as much as it did the day before.  But I will move on from this.  It is what it is, and I accept that.  And I'm not going to let it affect my future relationships.  And from what I've seen already, there are a lot better people out there. 

I know now that maybe it wasn't really my fault after all.  I did the best that I could do, and probably the best that any person could do with a person like her.

This is the last blog entry I will ever mention her again.  Now, I'm officially single again.  I don't have to take care of her.  I don't even have to care about her (which I don't). 

I'm free now.  That's all I have to say. 
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Anil http://www.anilarora.com 2008 MUDD Volleyball event, which raises money for the March of Dimes.  The March of Dimes "is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality."  Our team was organized by one of my fellow kickball teammates. 

For those who've never played MUDD volleyball, it's simply volleyball in knee deep of muddy water.  You basically can't move much, hence why there is eight players per side.  It was such a blast playing out there and getting pretty dirty.  Of course, there was some beers involved as well.  All money going to the March of Dimes, so it is a worthwhile cause.

Pictures coming soon...
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.254 2008-08-01T20:34:39Z 2008-08-01T20:48:38Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
It is a good weight off my shoulders because now I can focus on feeling stable again.  I can focus on doing things in the house that I've been wanting to.  I can now commit myself to meeting new friends in the area.  I've been playing around with the idea of starting a club on Meetup.com to meet fellow Indians in the area.  I can finally get a dog!

I know that my head keeps going back and forth.  But, when I was in Detroit, my parents helped me realize that being alone or bored will happen anywhere I go.  So, I can't use that as a reason to leave.  And, now, Shruti and I do talk in a more cordial way so I'm not too worried about running into her and being all emotional.  So, with that, the only thing that I don't like about Denver is diversity, but I'm willing to see what's up with all that with some meet up groups or something. 

The option to move overseas may still come up next year.  So, I guess I will wait until the opportunity actually materializes before I start thinking of picking up and taking off.  So, I'm staying put for now and will give this place at least one more year.  Got to make the most of it now.
]]> tag:www.anilarora.com,2008:/blog//10.253 2008-07-29T22:53:26Z 2008-08-19T06:31:32Z

Anil http://www.anilarora.com
So, what does that mean?  As part of the settlement, I stated that I was going to sell the house, so the house was put on the market this past Friday for $330k (MLS ID 683978).  I have mixed feelings about this.  I really love this house.  This is the house that I would buy if I was single and I had moved to Denver.  I had alot of plans for this house, and it has already been somewhat decorated to my specifications.  Shruti only spent three weeks in this house, so it's not like this house reminds me of her.  It's just empty because it's just me, so it feels a bit lonely at times.

So, while I was in Detroit, I kept trying to figure out what I want to do.  Do I want to leave Denver or not?  It's a hard choice for me now.  The basic problem is that I don't know where I want to end up.  I don't want to be in California.  I have a long list of complaints that I've accumulated since I moved there in 1999.  Chicago has always been a top choice, but it is flat, and I want to still be able to snowboard while my body can take it.

I guess I feel like there's a bit of unfinished business here.  Denver has alot to offer, and I haven't felt like I've taken advantage of it.  Partly because last year, I was too dependent on Shruti for companionship, earlier this year, I was sick, and now because I haven't committed to living here, I haven't tried hard.  But I've started being a part of a few clubs though Meetup.com, so there are still opportunities to do things and meet new people.  I moved here to also be able to be in the mountains. 

The first big con of being in Denver is the lack of diversity. It's a very white city.  The second con is that Shruti is still here, and I still would feel uncomfortable if I ran into her by accident.

I put myself back into the dating scene full time right after the divorce was settled.  I'm back online on all of those sites. I've suggested to family and friends that they set me up with someone.  I'm not looking to rush into something, but it would be good to get back in the game and possibly meet someone who definitely exceeds my wildest dreams.  It's a bit weird, but it has been six months since Shruti has been around.  Even though the divorce was settled fairly recently, we broke up in March. I can easily say that I'm over her now.

But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how she broke my heart into a million pieces.  I have not forgiven her for leaving me when I had CANCER. People have been asking me about my previous entry regarding the comment that this had to happen.  Well, I never wanted the divorce in the first place. At the time, I felt like everything could have been resolved.  But looking back at the thing that she did, yeah, divorce had to happen. I deserve much better than what she put me through.  And I'm definitely looking for someone who is much better than her. 

So, that now leaves me back to the original statement, do I want to leave Denver?  I still don't have a clear answer.  I hate to say "no" because a few ago, it was a definite "yes."  I guess I still have a bit of time to decide. 
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