My past is behind me, but it doesn’t mean that the past isn’t going to affect me. Putting my heart out there actually scares me a little more than I thought it would. It scares the living shit out of me at times. In the end though, I’ve realized that it’s going and I’m just going to have to take that risk again. I’m willing to put my heart on the line to find that healthy relationship. It goes without saying that I could get hurt again. But that’s just the way it has to go.

As I was coming back from Toronto today, I realized that part of my past is still lingering around: the blog entries. When I had written them, I was angry and hurt. These entries were more directed to the person I was angry at.

But this isn’t me anymore. I’m not hurt. I’m not angry. I’m more likely to be more upset with myself for any mistakes that I made along the way. Regardless, those are fleeting thoughts.

My cancer entries are now meant for helping others who are going through their things with cancer. And that is important to me. The blog entries about my divorce is almost too personal and I don’t believe they benefit me or anyone else for that matter. I don’t go back and read them. So, I’ve gone back and deleted/edited entries related to my divorce.

I’m not hiding the fact that I went through it. At this point, I just say “I’m divorced, whoop-dee-doo.” I’ll be open and honest about those things whenever someone wants to really know. But now, the story is focused more on the future, who I am now, and how I’ve learned to get where I am today.

That’s the better story.

Even though I remember it like it was yesterday, it seems like it was a decade ago.  I’ve moved a bit forward since that.  After two years, my doc told me we can space out the tests.  I have a PET/CT scan this upcoming week, and I feel pretty confident it’ll turn out pretty good.

Of course, there are many times that I freak out about going through it again.  If I feel tired or there’s a new pain somewhere, could it be happening all over again?  I try not to think about it, but it happens.  But I guess that’s why I have those tests, to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about.

In the meantime, the routine continues…

I just recently got back from a trip to Argentina and Antarctica. It’s really hard to even put into words how awesome this trip was and how much fun I had.  Antarctica is an amazing place (I’ll be putting more detailed entries soon on this blog, soon).  I definitely feel re-bitten by the travel bug, and this time I feel much more confident about traveling by myself.  I met so many cool people, and I did meet a bunch of people that were traveling by themselves. I don’t think I’m the type to travel for an extended period of time.  I like my stability and I don’t have anything to run from.  But I will definitely take the opportunity to travel more.

Speaking of travel. I’ve also started training for another marathon with Team in Training.  I’m training for the Marathon du Paris on April 10 in, obviously, Paris, France.  Yes, in Europe.  I’m so excited to be rejoining my teammates for this season, and a bunch of us from last year’s winter/spring season are running this season. That, with the fact that it’s in Europe, was a big reason for running again.  And, of course, Team in Training is such a great cause.  I decided against fundraising this year to give my sources of fundraising a break, but I’m contributing by being a mentor.  This means that I spend the time helping my teammates with their fundraising goals.  It’s been a great experience once again, meeting some new friends.  Of course, the traveling hasn’t helped because I didn’t run too much while I was out and now I have to get back into it.  It’s shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I’m feeling it today after a long run.

So, for the year, I don’t think there’s any point making resolutions.  We all know how that turns out.  Losing weight, I tried that P90X and I did it well for a while (minus the yoga), but after a month, I started training for that marathon, and that ended up stopping.  I’m trying to figure out how to do both, but I’m focusing on the running right now.  I do need to get yoga more into the picture to work on core strength.

I’ve been trying to finish up some projects around the house.  For example, I’ve decided to bite the bullet and have an interior decorator figure everything out.  There’s no way I can do this by myself.  So, I’ll have someone help me figure out my style, figure out all of the colors, buy all of the furniture, rugs, etc.  I don’t know yet how this will all work out as I have to make sure the budget is all there.  But I certainly hope to have this all done by the end of the year.  I also still have to finish the backyard.  Got a lot done this past year, but what remains is a shed and some shrubbery, but the end for the outside is near.  I’m looking forward to when the weather is nice again and I can get that done.

On the relationship front, nothing really new there.  But I’m ok.  I definitely am not going to settle for something that’s not right.  While my sister says I’m pretty picky, I don’t think I am.  I’m realistic, but I don’t think I should settle for just anyone.  What am I looking for?  Well, just someone who shares a subset of my interests, being active, travel, cooking.  I don’t care if they are sports fanatics, as long as they are ok with me being a sports fanatic.  That’s pretty much it.  Is that being picky?  But I guess the real problem is just meeting the right person and wanting to spend the time to get to know them well enough.  That’s just hard.

Ok…I’m just rambling now.  I don’t really have anything profound to say right now.  I’m just enjoying life right now. I’m just looking forward to the new year and some good things happening.

I’m only on day 2 of the program, but I’m already feeling results from the exercise part of the program.  It has been pretty hard, and maybe I’m not as fit as I thought I was.  Granted, I haven’t really done any lifting in a while.  The first day was chest and back and I’m definitely feeling it.  Today was plyometrics.  I actually thought this was a bit easier than some people make it out to be.  I think that this could be due to the marathon training, during which we did a lot of these exercises.

I definitely see how, if I stick to the program, I can benefit.  In particular, I feel like I can be a better lacrosse goalie and get back some of that reaction speed I lost during the last 11 years.  I also hope to start another training program with Team in Training in December, and I have a goal of being able to be even more ready the third time around (the second time around, the training was much easier than the first one).

Now the real question is, given my history of sticking with diets and workout programs, how I can stick with the program without failing. My main concern is the diet aspect of this program.  There’s no absolute way that I can completely cut out alcohol or coffee, but, of course, I can moderate.  I probably need to cut back for a while since there were so many things going on during the last couple of weeks and there was enough alcohol consumed. So far, it looks like quite an adjustment just to manage my schedule so that I can eat properly at the proper times.  And because the diet is a little different than what I had been accustomed to, I still have to figure out how to eat the right things with what I have in my kitchen. Not to say that I have junk, but I don’t have the right things to make complete meals.  And of course, there’s the whole making food thing that I’ve not been doing much of for a while now.

But I guess the nice thing is that the program has a light at the end of the tunnel, and there’s not much anticipated disruption to my schedule until the end, with the exception of Thanksgiving.  Maybe that’ll be my treat to myself.

Overall, I actually had fun, even when we got a little lost and ended up doing more on the trail than expected.  I know I’ll be sore for a while.  I am looking forward to the next trail run and now I know what to expect.

The trail that we run is a single long trail, so you have to go out and then come back. So, I kept pushing myself until I hit that one hour mark. Then there was no way to go but back. And it seemed so much faster to finish it up.  By the time I was done, I was a little sore, but I felt great.

I’m definitely ready to do a half marathon, but I have that full marathon in my sights now.  It’s a long ways away…I’ll get there.

See how I did on my run.

I guess that’s fine for today, but it reminds me that I need to make sure I’m doing the right things to get to my end goal.

So, in November, I decided to commit myself to running with Team in Training, which trains me to run a marathon, while raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. While LLS is dedicated to blood cancer research, I do this in dedication to my friends and family members affected by cancer, as I believe that any cancer research can cross any boundaries.  I keep the following people in my heart during my training…

I am also doing this for myself. Noone knows what could have caused my cancer. So, my goal is to live a much healthier, more natural lifestyle. Running will help me achieve that goal. I hope to be a lot more fit at the end of this, lose about 10-20 pounds from my midsection, and do something that I can sustain afterwards.

Marathon training at this time of year in Colorado is quite different than when I trained in 2006 in the Bay Area.  Not only do I have to contend with the altitude, weather can be an issue.  The first long run I did was on the Highline Canal Trail on an early Saturday morning in December.  It also happened to have been during a cold spell.  It was in the single digits and it was snowy.  Someone posted a video of the team in action that day. Since then, I’ve also been running in the evening when it was dark and just as cold and snowy.

Yes, I’m crazy. I definitely feel like a true Coloradan now.

I’ve committed to raising $3800 by April 24th. It seems like it’s a lot, especially with this economy. I don’t like asking people for money, as they may also donate to other worthy causes, including some of the fundraisers that I’ve already done prior to this.  But, in all, $3800 is a drop in the bucket to what is needed to help those affected by cancer.  So, I’m hoping that people will be as supportive as they’ve been in the past.

For those who want to donate, you can go to my team in training page. I’ll be writing about my experiences here on this blog during this time so you can make sure that I’m doing what I said I was doing.

Thanks to everyone for their support!

Health-wise, life is good. Still in remission. I think a lot of that has to do with how I deal with what I do with myself. While I do eat out, I tend to also try to be careful about what kinds of foods I put in my body. I’m more of a believer in organics and natural foods.  I haven’t lost the weight that I hoped to, but I think I’m in better shape.  My cousin commented to me that I’m probably a lot more fit than I think. I was able to do a 14′er without really training specifically for it. I can still keep up while playing kickball or football. I am ending the year training for another marathon. That’s helping me keep active during the cold winter months. And that’s also helping me with my weight loss goals. Definitely have a way to go, but feel good about it.

I started volunteering more. I work at the Children’s Hospital in the cardiac and pulmonary floor. It hasn’t turned out the way I was hoping.  I was hoping for more interaction with people, and it tends to end up being just myself and watching parents with their kids. In the new year, I’ll probably be tweaking this and trying to find a more rewarding position, perhaps on the oncology floor. I also began spending more time with charities like LLS. I raised money for the Light the Night walk in October. The marathon training I’m doing is with Team in Training for LLS.  I will be continuing this in the new year.

Work wasn’t especially challenging this year. That was good because it allowed me to be really flexible with my time. In the new year, I’m a bit more focused on my career. I’m moving into a new position that should allow me to learn some new skills. My goal is to be more visible up the chain and to deal with more customers so that I feel better about the kind of work I do.  And this new project should be able to use the skills that I’ve learned the last couple of years as well.

Even though I don’t like being single, I’m much happier now. Dating has been interesting. I am active online as I don’t meet as many people in the real world as I would like. Of course, as I’m still single, nothing serious has come out of that…yet.  Sorry, no specifics really to share. I’m still chugging away, and I’m not frustrated…yet. While I would like to meet someone for a more serious relationship, I enjoy meeting some cool people.

I don’t think I have any specific for my resolutions this year.  I’ve been saying that 2010 will be the year of my upgrade.  While I’ve pretty much started already, but I’m pretty much going to be focused on myself.  Out with the old stuff, as I still have stuff from my marriage like dishes that I want to get rid off.  Stuff like that.

That’s pretty much it.  Let’s make this year a good one.  Happy New Year, everyone!!

See my performance here.