Recently in Lymphoma Category

I think I will never fully understand why she decided to leave the way she did.

This thought was triggered tonight while I was reading a book called Anticancer: A New Way of Life (more about this in a later entry).  One the chapters in this book talks about the Anticancer mind, which about how our mind can be responsible for the growth and prevention of cancer.  Stress is one of those things can really make cancer worse, or even bring it back from remission.

Now, go back to March when it all went down.  I'm two days from chemotherapy.  I think things are going fine. Then she decided to leave me with no support system in place.  That's a significant amount of stress to be dumped onto one person.  For someone who believes in yoga and ayurvedic teachings, she must have known what she was doing.  She was trying to to make my health even worse.  Luckily, with all of the other support that I got, I didn't let it.  But it still hurt, nonetheless. 

The thought process is interesting.  I haven't been dwelling on such things, lately.  Because it happened to me, there will always be triggers that will remind me of what I thought I had and what I wish I had now.  And those triggers are everywhere, especially when I read books about cancer.  It's always hard to hear a story where someone's spouse fully supported them through their ordeal.  Even when Lance Armstrong had to deal with his cancer, his girlfriend at the time stuck by through the treatments, even though they already knew that the relationship wasn't going to last.  That's tough to understand why she didn't have that in her to be that type of person.  I guess that tells you what kind of person she is.

In general, I guess it always bothers me how people treat each other.  I know of other instances where people have treated others with callous disregard.  I know that I probably have done that to other people, too, and that is definitely something I am not proud of.  So, I guess I don't know the answer to all of that and probably never will.  But thanks to my family, friends, therapist, and this blog, eventually, I'll never need to.

This past week, I had my first PET/CT scan since my radiation ended back in June.  Results are good, nothing has come back.  That's obviously a relief to me and my family. 

At this point, my scans are supposed to be done every three months.  Because of scheduling, I wasn't able to do this back in October.  So, the next appointment is in January.  I don't know at what point I will switch to six months intervals.  But at this point, I'm being closely monitored for any recurrences. 

So, after a couple of weeks of traveling to Detroit and to New Jersey, I'm back in Denver. My cousin Kapil has returned to Chicago (and is now traveling to India).  I've been trying to keep busy by doing all of the things I put on the back burner while I had company over.  It's a huge list.  So, first thing I had to do was get my finances in order.  Normally, I use Quicken for keeping track of everything.  But with the divorce, everything got screwed up and I didn't want to retain any of her account information.  So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and start all over.  That took me a few days to do.  Now, I'm in the middle of reorganizing the house.  I had pretty much kept the way things were organized when she had left.  But now, I've taken the initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it.  It feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on someone else.  And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the place more homey for me.  And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house. 

And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company.  So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely.  I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with.  I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver. 

What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together.  Fall is in the cold, crisp air.  The leaves are changing colors and falling.  This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone. 

It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on.  A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids.  This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes.  I sometimes think that that is what happened.  I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs.  And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better.  I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch).  I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly.  I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away.  I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything.  I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before.  And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs.  That's not who I am.

People tell me that I should focus on myself now.  I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me.  But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.

I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce.  And that makes me a bit bitter at times.  I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me.  I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons.  So, I feel like she took advantage of me.  I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry.  It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her.  And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me.  (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.)  I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future.  But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about.  And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.

And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer.  I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime.  My hair is back to normal (gray and all).  My beard is growing normal.  Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that.  I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence.  And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.

So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live.  I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got.  But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got.  So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out.  It's not easy, especially, being older.  I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.

I'm just too impatient.

I had a follow up with Dr. Chin today at Rose Medical.  This was the first follow up since my last radiation treatment at the beginning of June.  Not much to report other than everything looks pretty much ok.  I'm expected to do another follow up in the next four to six weeks.

I just finished Lance Armstrong's book It's Not About the Bike.  I had been meaning to read it for a while because of the cancer.  It took me about two days to finish it because I ended up being totally engrossed in it.  My eyes teared up many times as I remembered all of the things that had happened to me in the last few months.  While Lance went through a much more aggressive form of life-threatening cancer, I could relate to some of the feelings that he went through.  It just goes to show that when it comes to crisis, you're not quite alone.

When I first heard that I could have something serious as cancer, I was totally freaked out.  In fact, I also thought that I was going to die. I didn't know what kind of cancer this was.  I didn't know what would happen.  Later on when I learned how chemo can affect the immune system, I was really scared that I could get sick and that I could die from cold some kid gave me.  When Shruti decided to depart, it was two days before my first chemo treatment. I was also pretty damn scared.  I didn't want to go through this alone.  I have no family in this area, and I don't have too many close friends either.  All I wanted was to be taken care of by the people who loved me.  Since I couldn't rely on my spouse for that, I relied on the people I knew I could rely on the most, my parents and my sister.  And that's probably the only reason why I was able to get past the cancer in the time I did.  And I am a cancer survivor now.  But I'm only in remission, meaning that it can still come back.  And that is pretty scary.

I went through a lot during those months, and I'm still going through a lot now.  People have told me how much they were impressed by how strong I am.  Believe me, I don't think I am that strong.  On the outside, it may look at that, but on the inside, it is pretty damn hard.  There is still a lot of anxiety, remorse, anger, sadness.  You name it.

But back the book, I'm one of the lucky ones, though.  If it weren't for the crises in my life, I would haven't be making this journey to rebuild my life and realizing the things that are the most important to me.  It's not about my job working a zillion hours a week.  It's not about obtaining material wealth (although I still like my gadgets).  It's about the people you love and who love you back.  It's about the people you can count on when the going gets tough.  It's about getting out your comfort zone and doing things that you didn't do or normally wouldn't do.  And most of all, it's about remembering that you have to have faith that things will get better, even when the curveballs are thrown your way.  That's how I'm trying to live my life now, even on the days when it's hard to believe it. 

I recommend this book to anyone who is going through a life-altering event.  It'll give you some perspective on things.  Note of caution: this book may cause you to start watching the Tour du France on TV.

I found out recently that a friend's cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma.  She's 34 years old and has two children.  She's in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, but has been unable to find a donor.  I also found out that that part of the problem is that there aren't enough Indians who are registered donors.  Only one percent of the 10 million plus people on the donor registry are Indian.  ONE PERCENT!!!   And that's actually a problem because heritage does play a factor in matching. 

From the National Marrow Donor Program website:
Racial and ethnic heritage are very important factors. Because tissue types are inherited, patients are most likely to match someone of their own race or ethnicity. Today, there simply aren't enough registered donors of diverse racial and ethnic heritage. Adding more diverse donors increases the likelihood that all patients will find a life-saving match.

As someone who had lymphoma, this hits hard.  I could have easily been in the same situation.  And then what?

I'm sending out the word to encourage my friends and family to get on this list.  Please participate in any donor program that may be going on in your area.  If there isn't anything, please go to the National Marrow Donor Program website to see what you can do to help.  All it takes is a little bit of time to do so.  But that little time can help give more precious time to someone in need.

So, today was my last radiation treatment.  As far as I know, I'm officially done with all treatments.  WooHoo...I cannot say that I'm officially cured.  I have an appointment with Dr. Feiner in a few weeks, and I'll have him make that call.  But no more scheduled treatments, chemo or radiation!!!

Radiation was, for the most part, uneventful.  For 17 treatments, I drove 25 minutes all the way to Rose Medical Center, took 5 minutes to prep for the treatment...all for 13 seconds of actual radiation on the front of my neck and 13 seconds for the back.  It took the full three weeks to finally feel the affects of the radiation.  My throat has been a little bit sore.  Underneath my chin on the right side, I can see a patch of skin where the hair is not growing.  It even got a little of my goatee so that looks a little uneven now.  I haven't decided if I'll shave the entire thing off.  I was told that it may take till the end of the summer to grow back.

I am pretty thankful for the nurses/technicians at Rose.  They made everything so easy there.  So, afterwards, they gave me a certificate and some hugs.  I also got my massage, which they provide for free for the patients.  It was really great. 

Time to celebrate!!!

Tuesday and Wednesday was the first of my actual radiation treatments.  Radiation is a bit uneventful.  It was pretty much like the simulation.  I laid down on the table.  This time, I asked them to tape my head down to make sure I don't move my head.  It's a bit hard to concentrate on being absolutely still, even for such a short period.  And it's pretty short.
Each radiation treatment is slightly different, and too tedious to go into detail.  It's just pretty quick and painless.  So far, I don't see any of the side effects that I've been promised.

Today, I had my first radiation appointment.  Actually, today was more of a simulation of what I would expect on a normal basis.  I was lying there underneath some gigantic machine.  The technicians spent five minutes aligning my head using the tattoo marks that they gave me during the CT scan.  Then I had to sit there a few minutes while they got some pictures.  It was hard to just keep my head still for just a few minutes.  Afterwards, I had a short follow-up with Dr. Chin.  Everything looks fine.  It appears that I'll be doing 17 treatments starting on Tuesday.

Now that I am done with chemo, I decided to get my port removed today.  Originally, I thought I was going to hold off on this until later in the summer.  But that would have subjected me to monthly appointments to flush out the port to prevent clotting.  Also, since my parents are still in town, I figured that it would be good to get this over with in case any issues came up. 

The procedure was done at Rose Hospital, but the same doc who put in my port.  I was actually expecting it to be more like the last procedure, where I was under sedation.  I got there, put on a gown, got some vitals taken, and then was walked over to the same room.  On the table, they shaved the area and then gave me local anesthesia instead of sedation.  That was the most painful part.  It's like going to the dentist.  Tiny needles and a bit of pain.  That kicked in pretty quick and the procedure started.  I was conscious the whole time and I was basically chatting it up with the radiologist.  It only took about 10 minutes to complete the removal and then stitch me up.  Done.  I even got to see my port and say a little goodbye. 

It was a simple procedure, and I'm just a little sore now.  One less thing to worry about now.