Recently in Relationships Category

I think I will never fully understand why she decided to leave the way she did.

This thought was triggered tonight while I was reading a book called Anticancer: A New Way of Life (more about this in a later entry).  One the chapters in this book talks about the Anticancer mind, which about how our mind can be responsible for the growth and prevention of cancer.  Stress is one of those things can really make cancer worse, or even bring it back from remission.

Now, go back to March when it all went down.  I'm two days from chemotherapy.  I think things are going fine. Then she decided to leave me with no support system in place.  That's a significant amount of stress to be dumped onto one person.  For someone who believes in yoga and ayurvedic teachings, she must have known what she was doing.  She was trying to to make my health even worse.  Luckily, with all of the other support that I got, I didn't let it.  But it still hurt, nonetheless. 

The thought process is interesting.  I haven't been dwelling on such things, lately.  Because it happened to me, there will always be triggers that will remind me of what I thought I had and what I wish I had now.  And those triggers are everywhere, especially when I read books about cancer.  It's always hard to hear a story where someone's spouse fully supported them through their ordeal.  Even when Lance Armstrong had to deal with his cancer, his girlfriend at the time stuck by through the treatments, even though they already knew that the relationship wasn't going to last.  That's tough to understand why she didn't have that in her to be that type of person.  I guess that tells you what kind of person she is.

In general, I guess it always bothers me how people treat each other.  I know of other instances where people have treated others with callous disregard.  I know that I probably have done that to other people, too, and that is definitely something I am not proud of.  So, I guess I don't know the answer to all of that and probably never will.  But thanks to my family, friends, therapist, and this blog, eventually, I'll never need to.

So, today, I finally gave away some of the most disturbing items that has been sitting around deep in one of my drawers.  While I was married, we had made the decision to have kids, and until it all blew up, we were trying to have kids.  As fun, we had bought various items that we came across for the kid we were supposed to eventually have.  We had a outfit with a turtle on the shirt, matched with a pair of shoes with turtles on it.  We also had a University of Michigan one-z, that was for the newborn.  It was really cute.  But because those things were purchased with her, I couldn't really bear to keep them.  So, I gave them away today.  It bummed me out a little bit because I was really looking forward to having a family. 

I'm really glad that we didn't have kids after all.  After seeing what she would do to someone she said she loved, I can't even imagine what would have happened if we had kids.  I think it would have been a worse situation. 

I do want to have a family with the right person.  I'm not going to let go of that dream.  When that happens, I'll go back to Ann Arbor and buy that Michigan one-z again.

So, after a couple of weeks of traveling to Detroit and to New Jersey, I'm back in Denver. My cousin Kapil has returned to Chicago (and is now traveling to India).  I've been trying to keep busy by doing all of the things I put on the back burner while I had company over.  It's a huge list.  So, first thing I had to do was get my finances in order.  Normally, I use Quicken for keeping track of everything.  But with the divorce, everything got screwed up and I didn't want to retain any of her account information.  So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and start all over.  That took me a few days to do.  Now, I'm in the middle of reorganizing the house.  I had pretty much kept the way things were organized when she had left.  But now, I've taken the initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it.  It feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on someone else.  And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the place more homey for me.  And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house. 

And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company.  So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely.  I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with.  I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver. 

What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together.  Fall is in the cold, crisp air.  The leaves are changing colors and falling.  This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone. 

It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on.  A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids.  This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes.  I sometimes think that that is what happened.  I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs.  And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better.  I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch).  I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly.  I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away.  I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything.  I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before.  And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs.  That's not who I am.

People tell me that I should focus on myself now.  I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me.  But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.

I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce.  And that makes me a bit bitter at times.  I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me.  I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons.  So, I feel like she took advantage of me.  I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry.  It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her.  And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me.  (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.)  I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future.  But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about.  And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.

And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer.  I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime.  My hair is back to normal (gray and all).  My beard is growing normal.  Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that.  I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence.  And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.

So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live.  I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got.  But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got.  So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out.  It's not easy, especially, being older.  I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.

I'm just too impatient.

This past weekend, my family and I attended a wedding for Ruchi and Jason.  As a background, Renu and I grew up with Ruchi and her brother Shan.  Our parents are great friends.  I really wanted to go to this wedding.  I had missed Shan's wedding, and I heard it was so much fun.  Second, because I grew up with them, it's like seeing my sister getting married.  Third, they supported me and my parents during all of the garbage that happened this year.  So, it was important. 

We had a blast.  Everything was done up so well.  Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks.  It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years.  It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor.  I had so much fun.  It almost felt like an Arora wedding.

But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!"  What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.

I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness.  Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly.  I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced.  I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously.  I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all. 

So, now, I'm dating again.  I know that eventually I want to get married again.  But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance.  I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring.  I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around.  I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person.  No gifts, no attention, no nothing.  My family did so much for me the first time around.  My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself.  The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts.  They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask. 

And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person.  There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me.  So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.

Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair.  Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with.  And that's not right.  The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want.  And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.

So, now, it's something I have to deal with.  I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids.  I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now.  Again, my legacy.

It's a slow process.  I know that.  I'll just have to deal with it.  In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.

I'm definitely ready to date again.  I still want the same things I wanted before: a stable relationship with someone who will make me happy, someone I will eventually marry and have a family with.  My thoughts on marriage have not changed because of what I went through.  I still have those goals.  I'm just in the position of having to start over, and I'm in the fortunate position of having a better idea of who would make me happy. 

For those who are reading this blog, I do expect you to be on the lookout for me now :-)

Recently though, I've learned that just mentioning my divorce can be a liability.  I was talking to someone that I was trying to get to know better, and, in the spirit of being honest and forthright, I had mentioned that my divorce was relatively recent. Needless to say, I was relegated to the "friend zone".  I am a bit disappointed, but not really surprised.

Here's the thing.  People will judge me right away if I mention the divorce, and especially if I mention that it was recent.  I can understand that, because I would have done the same thing if I was in their shoes.  The only way to prove that I'm over my marriage is for them to get to know the real me.  Maybe I'm not 100% over with the hurt, but I'm pretty close.  I still have a few loose ends to deal with, and on some days the bitterness comes back for a few hours.  But I've also already had about six months to deal with everything.  At this point, pretty much everything has been purged from my environment. Pictures have been deleted or removed.  Mementos have been thrown out into the garbage, never to be seen again.  There are no ghosts of my ex-wife in this house, because she never really lived in this house.  I've made this house mine since then. I went through my cancer, and that made me stronger mentally. And I have a great support group that has helped me to deal with all of this and make me realize what kind of person I really am...a good one. 

I know what you're thinking.  Just because I'm writing it in my blog, it proves that I'm not over it.  I am not 100% over the hurt, but writing it in my blog helps me inch closer to that goal.  And I want people to know that I'm pretty much getting there and I'm doing it in a healthy and reasonable way.  I'm still going to do the things that I should do now with my new-found freedom (travel, volunteer, spend time with family/friends, etc.).   

And just because I'm not 100% over it, doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit.  I can and  should be dating. In fact, I know that the sooner that meeting people that I am interested in, the sooner it is that the hurt just goes away.  However, I'm not going to be that guy that jumps into any relationship immediately, because that could be disastrous.  I will take my time so that it is fair to me and to that other person. 

I guess I'll have to be a bit more aware of what happened to me in my past will be perceived by those who don't know the real me.  I won't lie about it, but I'll probably not be so upfront about it.  It's just unfortunate that this has become my legacy.

Lately, I've let Shruti's recent actions eat up at me and leave me with a taste of bitterness in my mouth.  Even though I've mentioned that things were better, she has done a few things that have basically put everything back to square one.  So, I'm still a bit pissed off about things.  I am still hurt by everything that she did, and her recent behavior reminded me of that.  I'm also pretty mad at myself for letting a person like her bother me so much.  I've had a few people kick my ass and tell me to snap out of it.  I get the message. I'm a better person than she is. Karma will find a way to deal with her.

It'll take a little bit of time.  And there will be times when it'll still bother me, but not as much as it did the day before.  But I will move on from this.  It is what it is, and I accept that.  And I'm not going to let it affect my future relationships.  And from what I've seen already, there are a lot better people out there. 

I know now that maybe it wasn't really my fault after all.  I did the best that I could do, and probably the best that any person could do with a person like her.

This is the last blog entry I will ever mention her again.  Now, I'm officially single again.  I don't have to take care of her.  I don't even have to care about her (which I don't). 

I'm free now.  That's all I have to say. 

I took a last minute trip last week to Detroit for a few days because the divorce was completed.  I got to hang out with my parents, of course, and my cousin Rohit and his new wife Purvi at the Tigers game, and with my friend Marcus and his family.  I wanted the chance to clear my head on a few things, especially, my future plans.

So, what does that mean?  As part of the settlement, I stated that I was going to sell the house, so the house was put on the market this past Friday for $330k (MLS ID 683978).  I have mixed feelings about this.  I really love this house.  This is the house that I would buy if I was single and I had moved to Denver.  I had alot of plans for this house, and it has already been somewhat decorated to my specifications.  Shruti only spent three weeks in this house, so it's not like this house reminds me of her.  It's just empty because it's just me, so it feels a bit lonely at times.

So, while I was in Detroit, I kept trying to figure out what I want to do.  Do I want to leave Denver or not?  It's a hard choice for me now.  The basic problem is that I don't know where I want to end up.  I don't want to be in California.  I have a long list of complaints that I've accumulated since I moved there in 1999.  Chicago has always been a top choice, but it is flat, and I want to still be able to snowboard while my body can take it.

I guess I feel like there's a bit of unfinished business here.  Denver has alot to offer, and I haven't felt like I've taken advantage of it.  Partly because last year, I was too dependent on Shruti for companionship, earlier this year, I was sick, and now because I haven't committed to living here, I haven't tried hard.  But I've started being a part of a few clubs though Meetup.com, so there are still opportunities to do things and meet new people.  I moved here to also be able to be in the mountains. 

The first big con of being in Denver is the lack of diversity. It's a very white city.  The second con is that Shruti is still here, and I still would feel uncomfortable if I ran into her by accident.

I put myself back into the dating scene full time right after the divorce was settled.  I'm back online on all of those sites. I've suggested to family and friends that they set me up with someone.  I'm not looking to rush into something, but it would be good to get back in the game and possibly meet someone who definitely exceeds my wildest dreams.  It's a bit weird, but it has been six months since Shruti has been around.  Even though the divorce was settled fairly recently, we broke up in March. I can easily say that I'm over her now.

But that doesn't mean that I have forgotten how she broke my heart into a million pieces.  I have not forgiven her for leaving me when I had CANCER. People have been asking me about my previous entry regarding the comment that this had to happen.  Well, I never wanted the divorce in the first place. At the time, I felt like everything could have been resolved.  But looking back at the thing that she did, yeah, divorce had to happen. I deserve much better than what she put me through.  And I'm definitely looking for someone who is much better than her. 

So, that now leaves me back to the original statement, do I want to leave Denver?  I still don't have a clear answer.  I hate to say "no" because a few ago, it was a definite "yes."  I guess I still have a bit of time to decide. 

I started today thinking that by the end of the day, I would be bitching and drinking heavily.  Instead, I finally feel a little bit of closure.

So, today was mediation.  This was meant to come to some settlement on all of the major and minor issues related to the divorce.  Coming in, I thought this was going to be like the movie, Wedding Crashers, where both parties are in the same room yelling at each other.  Instead it was set up so that my and my lawyer were in one room, Shruti and her lawyer were in the other room, and the mediator just shuttled between the two.  Shuttle diplomacy.

In the morning, I had this mindset that I was going to get screwed and that I would have to give Shruti everything.  As I was going through the process, I kinda felt like I was getting slapped in the face because here she is asking for all this money and stuff after all that happened.  I knew I had to treat this as a cost-benefit analysis, but still there was that emotional side to all of this. 

Mediation lasted a good four and a half hours.  In the end, I think that both of us were tired of all of this fighting.  We wanted to just settle.  I just wanted to accept it.  I think that the settlement ended up being fine for all people involved. 

It will mean that I am selling the house and leaving Denver.  That was more my decision that she agreed to.  I don't feel like I am being forced to sell.  More on this in a bit.

At the end of this, we signed the papers.  Because we were able to settle this here, our permanent orders hearing is no longer required.  On Monday, we expect the decree for separation (which also means divorce) to be filed and then the court to rubber stamp it a few days later.  So, by the end of next week, we are no longer considered a married couple.

This whole thing has been one huge weird mess.  She did something that really hurt me and others around me.  In turn, I did stuff that hurt her and others around her.  I knew she read my blog (she confirmed it) and I've written alot of things to try to hurt her, with some success.  I regret that now.  I regret alot of the hurt that happened during the marriage, too.  I know that she does too.  I believe her. 

I guess sometimes it's hard to really know who was really behind all of this mess, Shruti or her lawyer.  Sure, there were some questionable things that had happened that I think that she was responsible for. But I'd like to believe now that Shruti is not the cold-hearted person that I've made her out to be.  There's a reason I married her in the first place.  But in the end, it's her actions that prove the kind of person she is.

I guess it's time to move on. I don't know if we'll ever be friends after this.  I haven't quite figured out if I've forgiven her 100%.

I know I've only been here in Denver for a year and a half and I've experienced some pretty negative things while here.  But I've grown fond of this place.  This place has a lot of the things that I'm looking for, but it's missing some of the things I need.  Even being in this house for only six months, I will miss it alot.  It was everything that I wanted in a house, but, unfortunately, it never became the home like it was supposed to be.  I know that I could have stayed and started a new life myself here.  It's a great place for a fresh start.  And before, I would say that I couldn't be here knowing that Shruti was here.  But that's no longer the case.  Just like the divorce, in the end it's just the right thing to do.  I just have to accept that.

I guess that's that.  On to better things.

For the last few days, I've been trying to organize all of my files so that pictures, etc. that pertain to Shruti and me are put somewhere where I don't have to see them.  I won't be deleting them quite yet, but they will be put somewhere not easily accessible.  I also did the same thing with the emails that I've saved over the years between Shruti and me.  I actually read some of these emails and some of the Google chat sessions. 

I've been saying how surprised about all of this. I am still surprised, but I'm more surprised at the timing of it all. Shruti deserves alot of blame on that.  She decided to be selfish.  She decided to kick me when I was already down and then tell me she still cared for me.  So, I still think that she turned out to be cold and uncaring and selfish. And she did hurt a lot of people that cared for her by the actions. 

After reading the past emails, I know I cannot put all of the blame on her.  I do deserve some of the blame. (I am only saying some of the blame.)  I know that I wasn't the best husband.  (Hell, she pointed out how I didn't do some of the things other husbands did.)  I know that sometimes I could have been a real ass.  I am a stubborn Punjabi male.  I know that I probably said somethings I shouldn't have, didn't follow through on things I should have, etc.  Basically, I didn't always recognize how she would react to me, so I should have kept my mouth shut or said things differently.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.   

I guess this is important to realize and be able to apply things I learned in the next relationship.  Again, it's funny.  I'm not sure if this would have happened.  But, sometimes, I think that if she didn't cross that one line, I would have been OK with the separation instead of the divorce.  And then maybe there would have been a chance to figure out if this is really what we both wanted.  It would have been less painful, maybe for the both of us.  Unfortunately, she did cross that line.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

So, today, I got some items from my lawyer in regards to Shruti and the divorce.  What started out as a decent day is now turning into another one of those moments of complete disbelief and sadness. It's weird how some simple little event can sour your mood so quickly.

I guess when this all started back in March, I was pretty angry. I mean, I was very angry at her for leaving me when I needed her the most.  I was angry that she seemed so cold.  She never gave me a good explanation on why she left.  Even when we talked to figure out what we wanted to do about it, she sounded cold and heartless.  How could the woman I loved, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, kick me when I was already down?  Where was everyone else during this whole mess?

It feels like there something missing in all of this.  Like I said, maybe a good explanation.  Maybe an apology.  Something.  I may never know the answer to these questions.  I sometimes imagine that there was some other thing that was influencing her decisions, to the point where it really wasn't her decision.  But I know that's not really true.  She's a big girl.  She has to know what she was doing.  And I guess that's what makes it so much more painful.

I know I said somethings after she left that I didn't mean.  I kept talking about the next wife, blah, blah, blah.  But that was said out of anger and trying to make myself feel strong.  It was the only thing I could think about at time, because I didn't know what to really do.  What could I have done?  Contrary to what she probably believed about me, I did not think of her as some object that I could easily discard.  I was in love with the person, not the idea.  It was the good times that I thought about, and not about the fights. I still look at some of the cards that she wrote to me, and I remember those good times.

I guess it's still really hard to conceive that things are over.  I am stubborn.  I don't like to quit when things are rough.  I sometimes ask myself whether or not I should keep the door open in case she should want to reconcile.  Maybe I should call her up and talk to her and convince her to come back.  I see examples of people doing that all the time. 

But my brain is telling me that there was a line crossed somewhere.  She knew exactly what she was doing.  And she should have known how to fix this if she did want to return. Of course, I don't know if that was the case because the last time I had actually talked to her, she sounded like she didn't even want to try.  And it has been almost five months worth of chances. 

I know what my friends and family are thinking.  Why am I writing all of this?  Well, I know for a fact that I don't hate Shruti.  There are enough people who do hate her for me.  I am not even angry at her.  I am extremely disappointed that she is not the person I thought she was.  But I still do not hate her.  Of course, part of me still loves her.  Thinking about how she could be miserable right now, doesn't make me any happier.  It even makes me sad thinking that she might be going through her own issues, and I'm not there to help her.  But that's not my job anymore.  Again...her decision...she's a big girl.

So, in the end, all I care about is that divorce is done in a fair manner.  I'm not going to rollover and just give everything away.  I just want to be fair and have this all end in a simple manner so I can just move on.  All I know is that I'm doing that I think is right, even if it is painful.