Recently in Relationships Category

During the divorce, I put all of the pictures that involved my ex on a backup hard drive, which I placed in a safe deposit box in the bank.  I did this so I would not be tempted to look at them, for any reason.  After over a year, I finally pulled out that hard drive.  I was actually looking for my Peru pictures because I wanted to print some of them out.  But then I took the opportunity to do something I was ready to do.  Delete them.

I dragged the wedding, engagement photos into the trash can.

I watched as the progress bar ticked forward, telling me how many pictures were left to delete.

Poof!  Done.  Those pictures are now permanently gone.  I have no easy way of getting them back. 

It wasn't easy to do that.  My heart was actually pounding when I did. It still is pounding a little bit.  It wasn't pounding because of an emotional connection to the picture or the person in the picture.  I don't have that connection.  It had to do with the fact that I was deleting a piece of my history.  I don't really like the idea of deleting something permanently, even if it's something I need to move on from. 

But who would I need to pass my history down to?  There is noone.

I also sifted through the rest of the pics to delete her from the albums that I did want to keep.  And now, those pics are permanently gone. 

Off goes the band-aid.  It's done.

In the past couple of weeks, our family has been blessed with two weddings.  Congrats to Sonu and Czaee and to Anita and Amar.  I couldn't be happier for these guys and the new additions to our family.

Of course, it's not hard to be reminded of things again.  But hear me out...it's not that bad...more annoying, really. 

So, I've been asked by a couple of people if I'm still bitter.  My response is that I'm still bitter towards the ex and not to women or marriage in general.  And, really, I just want my damn ring back.  If you think about it, the ring to me was something that I worked really hard to purchase and it meant a lot for me to buy it for her, even if she ended up complaining about it.  And you know the rest of that story.  So, dammit, I want that ring back.  But, because of the law, I wasn't able to even ask for that back.  So I never did.  This was the same with the mangal sutra which is the Indian equivalent of the wedding ring. 

When I tell this to people, they pretty much mention to me that she should have given those things back.  But, I doubt that will happen because that's the kind of person I married.

So, there's not much I can really do about that.  I'll still have a little bit of that bitterness left and that will be carried for a long time. 

However, mentally, I'm almost there.  It's funny how even those trips that I took with her are now referred with an "I" instead of a "we".  "I wanted to leave the Bay Area and move to Denver."  "I went to Hawaii."  Etc.  I do plan on finally deleting all of the old photos that I have on a hard drive in the bank.  Of course, not everything can be erased.  And everything that I've learned will be a part of me forever.  But I can still treat everything as if the marriage didn't even exist in the first place.  Which is close to how I think mentally anyways. 

In the end, the next person I marry will be treated as the princess that way she does deserve to be treated.  She will get the ring that she deserves.  She'll even get the wedding that she wants, even if it's the same Indian ceremony.  That's just going to be the way it is.  And I know I'll be ok with that.

It's been a while since I've written an entry here.  There actually hasn't been not much to write about.  I had been using this blog only for writing at times when there has been an emotional trigger.  And, really, I've not had any of those triggers as of late.  I recently got a bag full of stuff from my ex-wife through a friend.  There were a few pictures from a trip that we had taken a couple of years ago.  It was pretty much easy to just throw those away without any emotion. 

I was talking to my therapist about this.  I'm really no longer at that point where I need to reflect on things.  I'm past that and am at the point where I am more about being active.  That's why I don't really write very much any more.  Don't need that release.  Even this entry is not about a release, but a just because  (And, one thing I should point out, is that whenever I did write an entry, I only wrote it because I was feeling something at that particular point in time, but I wasn't feeling that all of the time.)

I was watching Swingers again for the umpteenth time, since it's my absolute favorite flick.  And there's that point in the movie where Rob was talking to Mike about how eventually get over it and you kinda miss the pain itself.  I guess that's true.  In a way, I miss the pain, now.   Don't get me wrong.  It does hurt sometimes, but very rarely.  I still don't care for my ex-wife and what she did.  She is not a part of my future and I'm pretty much erasing her from my past.  Again, with the Swingers reference, that point where Mike hangs up on his ex when the other girl calls.

So, now what?  Life goes on.  I have been spending a lot of time out.  I met a good group of people to watch the Red Wings games with.  I've been active with kickball again.  I spend a lot of time with the dog.  I've been traveling to Costa Rica for vacation and to Chicago to visit my new nephew.  I'm off to Detroit tomorrow for a cousin's wedding in Toronto and in a few weeks a cousin's wedding in Cleveland.  At home, I've been working on the landscaping of my house, which has been a lot of fun (much easier than the inside of the house).  I've also tried to be active in the dating scene (nothing interesting to report right now).  Just feeling normal again.  It's pretty cool. 

We moved to Tamarindo for the last couple of days of our trip.  Tamarindo is a beach town on the west coast.  It is a lot more developed and definitely caters to the tourists.  It reminds me of surfer towns in California.

So, this morning, I got a visit from my ex-wife, who was dropping off a few items that she found that belonged to me.  We chatted for a few minutes.  Not really sure why I allowed that to happen because I wasn't that comfortable seeing her.  I have no feelings for her, but I still didn't really want to see her.  But, I did go on with it.  Maybe I'm just too fricking nice. 

It appears that she's moving out of Denver, so she found some of my stuff while cleaning up.  You'd think that I'd be jumping for joy because I got one of my wishes.  Her shadow is no longer here in Denver.  Denver is now my town. 

But it was a bit bittersweet.  One of the things that bothered me today was when she told me that she was dating someone.  Even though she didn't tell me who, I knew who it was.  It doesn't take a genius to find out.   But, what bothers me is that I don't know how long it had been going on, and if he had some role in all of this.  So, that just made me sad to think about that.

And it made me upset because that just magnified the situation I am in.  I'm not dating anyone right now.  I'm alone at home with my dog on most days.  That really sucks for me.  I don't want to be alone.  I want to be actively dating and moving on with my life.  But that's not happening like I want...and I don't know how it could be fair that she did what she did and she's already in some relationship.  What the...

She asked me if we could ever be friends, because she was my wife.  I pretty much said that it would be hard, because I couldn't be friends with anyone who did what she did.  I cannot respect people like that.  And, there's no need to have her be a part of my life anymore.  It's not like there's anything between us that requires that, like a kid or something.  So, I don't really plan on getting to that point, ever.  

But it's finally goodbye to her. 

Today, I really feel like some higher power is really wants to test me.  Of course, I don't believe in a higher power, so, really it just feels like being a little cursed right now. 

So, today's story.  I don't make it a secret that I'm back on those online dating sites.  I had been going back and forth with someone recently.  Just the initial stuff, you know.  Nothing really special.  So, I did get to talk to this person on the phone for the first time.  Again, nothing special.  Decent conversation...long story short, it turns out that there was a couple of degrees of familial separation between her and my ex-wife.  Frick.  Basically, once that was found out, that was the end of that...Since I blame her as well as her family for what happened, there's really nothing more to say after that.  What annoys me the most is not that this person was that special that I was deeply interested or anything like that, but that for some stupid reason, the world was just small enough that something associated with the bitch, affected my love life...

So, a month ago, my parents were in town, which was awesome.  I remember talking to my mom, who loves to read this blog.  And she said that it seems like I am still pretty hurt by everything that happened, because I still refer to the ex-wife as "the bitch".  Yes, damn it...I am still a little hurt by everything that happened.  Should I not be?  I don't know.  I've been trying to put it all behind me, but it hasn't been that long I suppose.  It was just over a year ago on the Ides of March when she did decided to just abandon me.  Of course, the 17th is the anniversary of my first chemo treatment.  There are those things...plus being alone in this house...being around people that I met through my ex...other things...there's just enough out there to keep reminding me that I am not in the place I expected/wanted to be.  It's hard to reminded sometimes that life is not always in your control, and the past is still not that far behind. 

Yes, I do believe that my past will make be a better person, and I'm better off now than I was during the relationship.  I get that.  I just don't want to be reminded of it as much as it feels like I have been.  I definitely don't want my past relationship to be so obviously a problem for any potential new relationships.  ARGH.

On the bright side, I have my job...for now.  I am going to be starting a volunteer position at Children's Hospital in Denver, which is something I know I will be good at.  Michigan is finally back in the Big Dance.  I'm a survivor.  I got Vegas coming up with my cousins and Costa Rica with my buds...

So, I guess I shouldn't be complaining.  But it's stuff like that that really makes you feel like there's nothing going right. 

I think I will never fully understand why she decided to leave the way she did.

This thought was triggered tonight while I was reading a book called Anticancer: A New Way of Life (more about this in a later entry).  One the chapters in this book talks about the Anticancer mind, which about how our mind can be responsible for the growth and prevention of cancer.  Stress is one of those things can really make cancer worse, or even bring it back from remission.

Now, go back to March when it all went down.  I'm two days from chemotherapy.  I think things are going fine. Then she decided to leave me with no support system in place.  That's a significant amount of stress to be dumped onto one person.  For someone who believes in yoga and ayurvedic teachings, she must have known what she was doing.  She was trying to to make my health even worse.  Luckily, with all of the other support that I got, I didn't let it.  But it still hurt, nonetheless. 

The thought process is interesting.  I haven't been dwelling on such things, lately.  Because it happened to me, there will always be triggers that will remind me of what I thought I had and what I wish I had now.  And those triggers are everywhere, especially when I read books about cancer.  It's always hard to hear a story where someone's spouse fully supported them through their ordeal.  Even when Lance Armstrong had to deal with his cancer, his girlfriend at the time stuck by through the treatments, even though they already knew that the relationship wasn't going to last.  That's tough to understand why she didn't have that in her to be that type of person.  I guess that tells you what kind of person she is.

In general, I guess it always bothers me how people treat each other.  I know of other instances where people have treated others with callous disregard.  I know that I probably have done that to other people, too, and that is definitely something I am not proud of.  So, I guess I don't know the answer to all of that and probably never will.  But thanks to my family, friends, therapist, and this blog, eventually, I'll never need to.

So, today, I finally gave away some of the most disturbing items that has been sitting around deep in one of my drawers.  While I was married, we had made the decision to have kids, and until it all blew up, we were trying to have kids.  As fun, we had bought various items that we came across for the kid we were supposed to eventually have.  We had a outfit with a turtle on the shirt, matched with a pair of shoes with turtles on it.  We also had a University of Michigan one-z, that was for the newborn.  It was really cute.  But because those things were purchased with her, I couldn't really bear to keep them.  So, I gave them away today.  It bummed me out a little bit because I was really looking forward to having a family. 

I'm really glad that we didn't have kids after all.  After seeing what she would do to someone she said she loved, I can't even imagine what would have happened if we had kids.  I think it would have been a worse situation. 

I do want to have a family with the right person.  I'm not going to let go of that dream.  When that happens, I'll go back to Ann Arbor and buy that Michigan one-z again.

So, after a couple of weeks of traveling to Detroit and to New Jersey, I'm back in Denver. My cousin Kapil has returned to Chicago (and is now traveling to India).  I've been trying to keep busy by doing all of the things I put on the back burner while I had company over.  It's a huge list.  So, first thing I had to do was get my finances in order.  Normally, I use Quicken for keeping track of everything.  But with the divorce, everything got screwed up and I didn't want to retain any of her account information.  So, I had to throw out over ten years of data and start all over.  That took me a few days to do.  Now, I'm in the middle of reorganizing the house.  I had pretty much kept the way things were organized when she had left.  But now, I've taken the initiative to finally move things around to the way I like it.  It feels good when things are done the way you like and not based on someone else.  And I'm planning on doing some painting to make the place more homey for me.  And then there is getting new furniture to fill out all of the empty spots in the house. 

And the rest of the time, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself when I'm not traveling or when I have company.  So, when I'm at home, it does get a bit lonely.  I don't really look forward to the weekends because I know I won't be working, but I also know that I don't really have that group of friends yet that I can just hang out with.  I had that in the Bay Area, but not in Denver. 

What I really miss though is the companionship of that one person I can look forward to spending all of my time with. Someone I can share with the delights of building a future together.  Fall is in the cold, crisp air.  The leaves are changing colors and falling.  This is the perfect time of season to be cuddling with someone. 

It still stings a little when I see a lot of people around me following the life plan that I think I was supposed to be on.  A lot of my friends are in awesome relationships, starting out their lives, having kids.  This was my time to be in that situation, not with her, but with someone who is actually worth it. I get a little bit impatient with myself sometimes.  I sometimes think that that is what happened.  I found someone who, on paper, seemed to be the right person for me, that I ignored all of the warning signs.  And I just settled instead of taking the time to realize that she did not have the right stuff for me and that I could have done better.  I do deserve much better than her (not that it's a stretch).  I am definitely putting myself out there, but I know that I cannot commit to anything so quickly.  I've read how so many guys after a divorce get themselves into unhealthy relationships right away.  I'm almost forcing myself not to do that by not committing to anything.  I guess that's natural so that I don't get hurt like I did before.  And I don't like the idea of being so selfish and just hooking up with girls for my own needs.  That's not who I am.

People tell me that I should focus on myself now.  I am doing that by working out, running, doing the things that interest me.  But there's only so much you can do and things take a lot of time.

I want to travel, but funds are little tight because of the divorce.  And that makes me a bit bitter at times.  I still don't feel like she deserved anything from me.  I always felt like I supported everything she did, and when it was my time to be supported...she walked away for what I think was selfish reasons.  So, I feel like she took advantage of me.  I try not to think about it too much because it's all a moot point, and because when I do think about it, it just makes me angry.  It makes me hate her even more to the point I don't give a damn what happens to her.  And when I hear that she's traveling to Italy or Thailand, then it just annoys the hell out of me.  (I'm even getting a bit worked up just writing this.)  I know...I know...I need to forget about it and look to the future.  But I don't like the idea of being walked all over by someone I cared about.  And, of course, that makes me a bit nervous about future relationships.

And what really sticks in my craw about all of this, is that having to deal with that crap has made me forget that I had cancer.  I have to remind myself that I did deal with something really serious, even though it was a just a tiny fraction of my lifetime.  My hair is back to normal (gray and all).  My beard is growing normal.  Outside of the scar on my neck and my chest, you wouldn't even know that I was going through that.  I must remember, because it's important to me that I don't let my guard down anymore and revert to old ways that could make me more susceptible to a recurrence.  And that just sucks because I'm still letting her mess me up, albeit indirectly.

So, basically, I am still struggling trying to figure out who I want to be and how I want to live.  I know I'm going to be that same guy that deserved better than what he got.  But at the same time, I won't be that same person because I did get what I got.  So, I am pretty much in this limbo now, trying to figure that out.  It's not easy, especially, being older.  I sometimes which I was a lot younger where I didn't have to think about these things, of course, without the naivete that caused me to get into this situation to begin with.

I'm just too impatient.

This past weekend, my family and I attended a wedding for Ruchi and Jason.  As a background, Renu and I grew up with Ruchi and her brother Shan.  Our parents are great friends.  I really wanted to go to this wedding.  I had missed Shan's wedding, and I heard it was so much fun.  Second, because I grew up with them, it's like seeing my sister getting married.  Third, they supported me and my parents during all of the garbage that happened this year.  So, it was important. 

We had a blast.  Everything was done up so well.  Plenty of dancing...plenty of drinks.  It was good to see some old friends that I haven't seen in many years.  It was also good to see everyone having a good time, even seeing Shan dance on the dance floor.  I had so much fun.  It almost felt like an Arora wedding.

But, through this whole weekend, all I could really think about was "what a waste!"  What I mean is that my wedding/marriage became a waste of something really beautiful.

I expected to be married for life to someone who was ready to be with me and who was ready to take this journey with a degree of seriousness.  Marriage is not something that I entered into lightly.  I didn't do it just get married nor to get divorced.  I took everything that it stood for pretty seriously.  I was reminded of all those things when at this wedding, vows and all. 

So, now, I'm dating again.  I know that eventually I want to get married again.  But, it's hard for me to imagine wanting to go through all of that pomp and circumstance.  I don't want to spend the loads of money on a fancy ring.  I wouldn't even want to have a big wedding with all of the family around.  I would rather just do something totally private with me and that person.  No gifts, no attention, no nothing.  My family did so much for me the first time around.  My parents spent a lot of money on the party itself.  The rest of my family spent a lot of money on flying in and on gifts.  They did more than I would ever expect and could ever ask. 

And I guess I feel even worse because she was not the right person.  There were a few times early on in that relationship when I was considering breaking up with her, basically for the some of the same reasons I know now that she wasn't the right person for me.  So, I feel a little guilty for pulling others into something that ended up being a farce.

Of course, that all pretty much sucks because it's totally unfair.  Basically, it feels like she has ruined it for the person I'm supposed to really be with.  And that's not right.  The person I end up marrying should get whatever she wants, even if some of those things I do not want.  And my future wife will be on that pedestal that she deserves to be.

So, now, it's something I have to deal with.  I'll be constantly reminded of this. Next year, I'll be around people younger than me, getting married or having kids.  I'll be reminded about how things weren't so successful for me and how delayed things are now.  Again, my legacy.

It's a slow process.  I know that.  I'll just have to deal with it.  In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the party.